All I Wanted Was You
by Yaymab
Summary: Josh Ramsay/Hayley Williams (Marianas Trench, Paramore) A sad lil' love story.
1. Chapter 1

1

Hayley's POV

If there was anything I hated more than snooty people, it was snooty people at school. Actually, everyone at school was snooty. Nice people were snooty when they were at school. Snooty people were even snootier.

"Do this, Hayley, don't do that! You're doing it all wrong, Hayley!"Oh, shut it. So, math wasn't my strong point. Neither was history. Or grammar. Or chemistry. Or… But did that mean everyone had to act like they were fricking Einstein around me? I didn't even know what they were all trying to suck out of me. My parents, my teachers… it was like they all wanted to transform me into some kind of… snooty smartass.

That wasn't gonna happen though, and happily enough my parents had finally agreed to homeschool me next year. At least I wouldn't have to put up with all those disappointed teachers or the disappointed principal. The bad news was I still had to go through a whole year before that. Yup, a whole Freshman year in a whole new school with lots of people I didn't know, who were probably all snooty smartasses—or snooty idiots, same thing.

I was all alone. My best friend had moved to another part of the city—thus, another high school—and all my other friends were either too young, had also moved away or hadn't been that much my friends after all. For the first time since first grade, I was alone in a huge and menacing school.

I heard the first bell ring, announcing that there were only ten minutes left before the first class. My stomach knotted. What if I got lost? What if I embarrassed myself? What if everybody hated me?

I took a deep breath and shook those scary thought out of my head. I would make it, just like I always did. I was a survivor.

Most of the time.

Josh's POV

America was like… a huge, expensive, complicated jigsaw puzzle. And somehow I had ended up in the middle of it like a penny in a large pile of quarters… Sheesh, what was it with the metaphors?

Sure, it would take some time to get used to spelling "neighbour" without a "U" or to the lack of freezing air to wake me up or to the shitty commercials—and I mean REALLY shitty—but the worst part had to be the reaction people had when I told them I was Canadian. It usually ranged between "Oh my god, it must've been so hard for you to live in that cold!" to "Do you have a pet moose?" I had lots of fun telling them about my Eskimo neighbours—ugh, NEIGHBORS—and the river of maple syrup flowing behind my house, but sometimes it scared me how seriously they took all that. I mean, to most of them it was like Canada was a different planet.

And to me, America was like a huge, expensive—because here, everything was expensive for some reason—complicated and overpopulated jigsaw puzzle. But I had to get used to it, at least until college when I would finally be able to go back home and live by myself like a real man without having to follow my parents wherever their job led them.

I hated this place. I was all alone. All my friends, gone. Poof. I was stranded in a huge new high school with no one to hold on to. I didn't know anything or anyone, and no one knew me.

This time, I had a good reason to be pissed off at my parents.


	2. Chapter 2

2

Hayley's POV

The first few days were ok. "Ok" as in, I didn't get hit by a bus, I didn't spill spaghetti over anyone's head and I actually managed to sort of keep up in class. I hadn't made many friends though, and I kept getting lost ALL THE FRICKING TIME. Was this place constantly changing, like the magical staircase in Harry Potter? Or was I just stupid?

Anyway, everything was ok, until that day.

The last class of the day was chemistry, and luckily I managed to not be late this time. I reached the table I shared with my lab partner—some guy named Jack—just as the bell rang, and sat down. I groaned when I realised that Jack was absent—again. He was absent half the time, and the other half he was late. I wondered how the hell he hadn't been expelled yet.

"Listen up, class!" crowed our teacher, 50-or-so-year-old Mrs. Henry, in her irritating voice. "Today will be a genuinely exciting class for most of you, as you will be working with…" she paused for effect, "toxic chemicals."

I could feel the eyes rolling all through the class. To Mrs. Henry, even toothpaste was a toxic chemical. "Now, I want you all to be very safe! Don't forget to put on your goggles!" She chuckled. "But first, you must understand what you'll be doing, naturally…" And here came the hard part. Listening.

I paid as much attention as I could while she blabbered on, taking notes and trying my best to understand. Long story short, we were supposed to mix up something blue with something transparent, stick a piece of paper in it and observe the color the paper took. Wow. Exciting.

"I want you all to work in teams, no exceptions!" squealed Mrs. Henry, eyeing me with raised eyebrows. "I see Mr. Barakat is absent AGAIN." She sighed, looking around the class. "Oh, Mr. Ramsay!" I turned my head to see a blond boy at the back of the class snap out of his daydream with wide eyes.

"Er… yes?"

"Your partner is absent as well."

He glanced to the empty spot beside him. "So it seems." A few people chuckled.

Mrs. Henry frowned. "You will be working with Miss Williams today. Come on over here." He groaned and finally pulled himself up, dragging his feet over to my table. He let himself fall on the empty chair like a wet rag, his head heavily resting in his hand while he drummed his fingers on the table. Well, he seemed enthusiastic.

The lab was a disaster. I was incapable of doing anything right, and that Ramsay guy—I didn't even know his first name—wasn't helping. He'd managed to get back on his feet, but that was about the greatest of his achievements. Apart from that, all he did was pass annoying comments.

"Ever notice how much your hands shake?" he asked at some point. "You should get that checked, you might have a serious disease—"

"Shut up, will you!? I'm trying to do something here!"

"No seriously," he continued, "They're moving so much, they're probably possessed by a lost soul lingering among the living…."

"Ugh! How do you come up with this stuff? And why am I the only one working here? I could use some fricking help!"

He cocked his head to one side, completely ignoring my point. "Fricking? It's funny how girls never say "fuck" don't you think?"

I couldn't take it anymore. I spun on my heels and violently pointed my index finger at his nose. "I said—" I stopped short. The hand I was pointing at him with was holding one of the test tubes, and my sudden movement had made half the liquid in it spill all over his shirt. Shit.

He looked down in horror and back up at me. And suddenly, a smile spread across his face. "Oh my god! I'm gonna turn into a mutant ninja turtle!" I laughed.

"Mr. Ramsay!" my head snapped towards the shrill voice who had yelled that. Mrs. Henry and her assistant were staring at Ramsay in horror. My smile vanished.

Suddenly, the two women gripped his arms and pulled him to the front of the class. Mrs. Henry pulled his shirt off so quickly it took me a while to process what was happening. But man, was he HOT. I quickly looked away and shook my head. I was such an idiot. Still, I couldn't help but smile again.

Josh's POV

Before I could stop her, the old crone half-ripped my shirt off and shoved it in the sink. I wanted to protest and be pissed off, but another feeling took over.

I quickly covered as much of my body as I could with my arms and glanced behind me. No, I couldn't glance behind me. I couldn't bear to look at them. I knew instinctively that they were all staring at me. Every single person in the class. Gawking. Judging. I didn't want them to see me, to see what I really looked like. I didn't want them to see my scars. I was terrified. I suddenly forgot how to suck air into my lungs and I could feel myself start shaking with shame and embarrassment.

The assistant misunderstood my shaking. "Oh, you poor thing, you must be so cold! I'll bring you another shirt!" She disappeared behind a small door and I followed her slowly. My feet felt like two huge bricks. I shut my eyes tightly when my vision became blurry. I urged myself not to cry. It would make things so much worse.

And suddenly, all the shame was replaced by anger. Hatred. Towards that little bitch for ruining everything, towards that horrible snake of a woman for doing this to me, towards all of THEM, staring and judging, but most of all towards myself. I was a sick, broken person, and I would never be anything else. No matter how much I tried to forget. No matter how much I tried to change, to ignore what I used to be. No matter how much time I managed to pretend I was something else, I would always be reminded of who I was.

Miserable, useless, pathetic little Josh.


	3. Chapter 3

3

Hayley's POV

I ran frantically across the hallways, desperately searching for the exit door. ANY exit door. Earlier, I had managed to drop all my binders on the ground and of course everything in them had scattered all across the floor. Yay. By the time I was done putting everything back in its place, I was already late. And now I was lost.

"That's it," I thought sadly, defeated, "I will miss my bus for good this time." I had been close to missing it several times before, but this time it was happening. I would have to call my mom, she'd get angry and give me a long speech about responsibilities and blah, blah. I'd rather she gave me a map.

Suddenly, after strolling through the now empty corridors of that maze for ten minutes, I noticed a small figure curled up in a corner between a locker and a wall. I could tell it was a boy, and he seemed rather upset… Actually, he seemed completely broken down. His head was buried deep between his legs and his hands were shaking harder than mine had in chemistry half an hour earlier…

And then it hit me. That long-ish blond hair, that red shirt I had spilled "toxic chemicals" all over! It was Ramsay! Despite my shock at that discovery I still thought of how nice it would be to know his name and not have to call him "Ramsay" all the time like we were secret agents or something.

I considered turning back and pretending I hadn't seen anything. He didn't seem to notice me anyway. But I couldn't. It broke my heart to see someone I knew—even just a little—break down like that. I was a sensitive girl, ok? Besides, it wasn't like I didn't have time, now that my bus was long gone.

I slowly walked up to him, trying to be as silent as possible. Finally, when I was about five feet away from him, he looked up. I noticed for the first time the color of his eyes—bluer than the sky. They were filled with tears, but also with hatred and anger.

"What the fuck do you want?" He didn't sound as tough as he might've hoped he did.

"I uh…What's your name?" Ok, that was a stupid thing to say, but I really wanted to know and I couldn't find anything better.

He raised one eyebrow in confusion. "What's it to you?"

"I'm just curious…"

"Go away," he snapped, hiding his face again.

"But—"

"It's Josh, ok!?" Again, he looked up at me like he was about to jump at me and grab my throat. I gulped.

"Ok… I'm Hayley." Ugh, I sounded like an idiot, making acquaintance with a guy who was bawling his eyes out in the middle of a deserted hallway way too late after school.

He sighed. "Great. Now can you leave?"

I frowned. "Sheesh, why are you so…" I stopped myself before I said something I couldn't take back. "Fine," I muttered before turning back and walking away.

Before I knew it, I was standing in front of the damned exit door.

Josh's POV

I watched her walk away firmly and calmly. I felt a bit bad for acting like an asshole, but what could I do? Tell her my feelings? Ha, yeah right. Like she could ever understand. She was just another perfect little girl with perfect friends and no horrible past. Those were all the same, American or Canadian.

Besides, it was all her fault. If she hadn't splashed me with that stupid blue shit… But who was I kidding? None of this was her fault. It had all been an accident, and any normal person would have taken it lightly without acting like someone just died. Even I would have taken it lightly if Mrs. Crow-face hadn't half ripped my shirt off in front of the whole class. But I wasn't exactly normal.

I buried my head between my knees again and stared at the floor. Why had I been such a dick to Hayley? She was the first person to actually talk to me nicely since I'd moved. For a second she actually seemed to… care. But I guess I had ruined that too. Fuck. I was the biggest fucking idiot out there. Why had I even been born?

After a while I decided I should get up and go home before my mom started worrying. I checked my watch. Six thirty. "FUCK!" My voice echoed off the long walls of the hallways. I hadn't noticed time passing so fast. My mom had probably already called the police.

As I rushed to one of the payphones outside, I almost forgot my reason for being sad. Despite the intense panic invading my mind, it was still the most beautiful moment of the past few hours. But ya know, stuff like that doesn't last. Pretty soon it all came back to me and it took all my will to not curl up on myself again and sob like a little girl.

But I kept on walking.


	4. Chapter 4

4

Josh's POV

Choir was the best thing ever invented, ever. Except maybe guitar classes. So, sure, it was a little awkward that my mom was my choir teacher—she had actually been hired by my school, and apparently the previous teacher had been more than relieved to finally be able to leave, which was odd but I preferred ignoring that fact—but choir was still the best thing in my life. People were actually NICE there, not like… anywhere else. Maybe because we were all just a bunch of losers.

I supposed my mom liked it too, but I knew she'd preferred her old job as vocal coach for actual singers and not little brats who, for some, could barely sing but thought they were Whitney Houston. In the end, both her and me had sacrificed our old lives for my dad's stupid studio. *insert grunt here* But she still seemed pretty happy to have found a job in the first place—especially somewhere where she could keep an eye on me at all times, which was essential for her after the "toxic chemical" incident.

I hadn't talked to Hayley since that day. Sometimes I glanced at her during chemistry but I never caught her glancing back. Maybe she'd completely stopped caring. I wouldn't be surprised, after the way I'd treated her last time she'd tried.

It left an irritating hole in my chest that I just wasn't capable of ignoring no matter how hard I tried. For some reason, the more time passed, the more I kept thinking about her. Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around? You know, "time heals all wounds" and all that crap? Well, that obviously wasn't working in my case. Hayley was becoming an obsession. Which, come to think of it, was a pretty creepy situation.

At some point, there came that moment when I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I would pop like a balloon and then dissolve into nothingness if I didn't talk to her RIGHT THEN AND THERE. Also, I figured I had to do something before I started taking pictures of her in secret and taping them all over my walls.

Anyway, I was in choir—yay!—thinking about my apology speech to Hayley and watching my mom trying to teach some girl how to hit a note without sounding like a toad, when all of a sudden, in comes the one and only Hayley Williams.

Great, now I was having hallucinations.

Oh wait, she was real. "H-Hey…" she mumbled, waving unsurely, not looking at me.

"Hey there!" My mom greeted her.

My mom was a generally friendly person who had a way of making insecure people gain confidence just by looking at her. Just as I expected, Hayley's expression of sheer terror vanished from her face and when she spoke, her voice was louder and firmer. "I'm Hayley Williams. Uh, I was wondering if I could join your class?"

My mom nodded, pondering the proposition. "Well, Hayley, it's a bit late for that, but I definitely still have a spot for you and if you think you can catch up…"

Hayley nodded confidently. "Oh, I definitely can, Mrs…"

"Ramsay." For a second, Hayley frowned in confusion. And then her eyes widened.

Hayley's POV

Ramsay? As in… Josh Ramsay? No, it was surely just a coincidence. After all, it was a common name. Still though, the fact that it reminded me so much of Josh made me uncomfortable. I had not stopped thinking about him since that day when our already bad relationship had been completely demolished. I didn't know if it was my fault or not—oh, who was I kidding? Of course it was my fault!

But why had he acted like that? Ok, so it was definitely embarrassing to be half naked in front of the whole chemistry class, but all that crying for that? And why did he hate me so much? He's seemed like such a nice guy before—well, a complete asshole, but a nice asshole—and then all of a sudden he was acting like I'd killed his dog! I just wanted so bad to understand…

I felt terrible and guilty, and it just wouldn't go away! No matter how hard I tried to think about something else it just kept coming back. I hadn't told anyone about it—not even my new friend Emily who was like the nicest person alive—and wasn't planning to. But I was starting to be worried about my mental health.

"Hayley, are you alright?" Mrs. … Ramsay asked, looking worried.

I gulped. "I'm fine, yeah. Uh… thank you! For, you know, letting me… be a part of… all this." Ugh, what?

She smiled despite my horrible thanking. "No problem." And suddenly, I didn't feel uncomfortable anymore. Maybe it was the soothing sound of her voice, or maybe her warm smile, but something about this woman made me feel just… good.

And then I turned to face the choir and all my good vibes vanished. Because of course, HE was the first thing I saw. Standing right there, in the back with the other guys, staring at me. He looked away quickly, but not quickly enough. What was he doing here? What the f…

Ugh. So maybe Mrs. Ramsay really WAS related to him and had forced him here or something. Just like my mom had forced—oh excuse me, my mom insisted that I say "urged"—me to come here. At first I had protested, but then I figured I had to do something with my voice eventually, since singing was probably the only thing I was good at. Finally, I had accepted choir as a pretty good idea. Until a few seconds ago that is.

Mrs. Ramsay tested my voice, showed me my new spot among the sopranos and gave me a cheap book with lots and lots of lyrics. She explained to me what she'd already taught and kept an attentive eye on me for the rest of the hour. Judging by her proud expression, I supposed I wasn't bad for a beginner.

Eventually, the class was over and everyone had to leave. Josh tried to bolt out of the room with everyone else but Mrs. Ramsay called after him. I lingered behind with the slower kids who were still chatting in order to stalk their conversation.

"What is it, mom?" Josh asked through his teeth, sounding very annoyed. So she was his mother. Figures.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing!" If I was his mother, I would not be convinced.

"You look a little troubled. Is there something you're not telling me?"

He sighed. "Can we not talk about this now, please? People might be listening!" Well, he wasn't wrong.

Finally, Mrs. Ramsay gave up and let him go. I was disappointed. I was dying of curiosity—and slightly ashamed of that. What was it that worried his mom so much and that he didn't want to talk about in public?

One way or another, I managed to convince myself that it was my job to figure it out and help him with whatever his problem was. Why did I always have to get myself in trouble?


	5. Chapter 5

5

Josh's POV

I half ran to my locker before mentally slapping my forehead. I couldn't believe I had cowarded away like that! She'd been right there, RIGHT THERE, and I had completely avoided her. I needed to talk to her but I didn't have the guts to do it. Great.

Suddenly, someone pulled me back—and out of my thoughts—violently and I almost fell over. "Don't let 'em get me, man!" pleaded a voice behind me. I turned to see a guy with funny hair and a terrorized expression twisted by a smile. I wasn't sure whether he was about to scream in horror or burst out laughing. With a shaky finger, he pointed at something behind me.

Three beefy dudes who looked like they'd just escaped from prison now faced me with menacing faces. Oh fuck. Why me?

"Can't hide forever, Barakat," one of them told the poor guy behind me. Wait, that name sounded familiar…

"Yeah, you're gonna pay back your debt one way or another." I felt like in one of those mob movies where the guy who didn't pay back his debts always ends up getting killed. Those always bring me to wonder why the fuck anyone would manage to owe money to guys who shoot each other for the fun of it, but I guess some people are just that stupid.

"I'll pay you back, I swear!" pleaded Stupid. "I just need to uh, go get my wallet and—"

"Bullshit!" interrupted Prison Fugitive #1.

"Get him!" ordered Prison Fugitive #3.

And that's about when I realised I was the only thing standing between the three little pigs and the little shithead. I tried making a run for it, but my protégé gripped me so hard I was pretty sure his fingers had penetrated my skin.

"Get out of the fucking way!" yelled Prison Fugitive #2. Yeah, I wish I could…

All of a sudden I didn't feel like laughing anymore. I was in deep shit. Again. I opened my mouth but no sound came out. I was paralyzed. This was it. The end. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing after all. Once I was gone, everyone could finally stop worrying about me and I'd have some peace of mind down in hell…

Prison Fugitive #1 lost his patience and raised his fist to hit me. I shut my eyes and mentally told my parents and my sisters that I loved them for the last time.

And that's the last thing I remember.

Hayley's POV

I had no idea how I would get Josh to talk to me again. I wished I knew if he actually wanted to talk to me or if his reaction would be the same as the first time I'd tried. If there was one thing I knew for sure, it was that he definitely wouldn't make the first move.

Suddenly, Jack, my lab partner, bolted past me, running straight into a girl who was peacefully crossing the hallway. She fell to the ground and he barely apologized before resuming his crazy race. Just as the girl was getting up—not without cursing a few times—three brawny boys ran past her and she almost fell over again. "What the FUCK is WRONG with you people!?" she yelled.

I laughed. What had Jack done this time? I decided a little distraction wouldn't hurt, so I followed them through my maze of a school until they suddenly stopped short. Jack had reached a dead end. He turned and backed away slowly before bolting in the other direction once again. There was nowhere he could go though, so he found refugee behind…

Oh no. Of all the people in the fricking building, did it have to be HIM?

Josh looked back and forth in confusion while Jack pleaded him for help. A small crowd was already forming around them, watching silently. The three gorillas approached them with heavy steps.

"Can't hide forever, Barakat," the first one said.

"Yeah, you're gonna pay back your debt one way or another." Jack stood up straight in an attempt at looking confident, but he was still hiding behind Josh who actually looked amused. I suddenly felt very scared for both of them. These guys weren't kidding.

"I'll pay you back, I swear!" Jack tried. "I just need to uh, go get my wallet and—"

"Bullshit!" Uh oh. They weren't buying it. The crowd thickened around me and I could feel the atmosphere growing tense. It made a bit sick to realise that most of them were hoping for a fight.

"Get him!" I couldn't look. Why didn't Josh move? Why didn't he get out of the way? This wasn't his fight!

"Get out of the fucking way!" the tallest of the bullies ordered. Yeah Josh, get out of the way!

But he didn't. One of the brutes raised his fist. All I wanted to do was squeeze my eyes shut, but they wouldn't listen. And then the fist came down.

The punch was so strong that Josh's feet almost left the ground and he was projected into the air. Jack moved out of the way, the coward, letting Josh fall hard under him, face down. He wasn't moving.

A wave of gasps and yells crossed the corridor and a teacher I didn't know finally appeared on the scene. He was tall and looked pretty old, but he didn't hesitate before grabbing two of the bullies' arms and yelling at them. They didn't try to fight back, looking more defeated than anything else. A few more teachers came then. Some tried thinning the crowd while others helped the first one take the gorillas to the principal's office—I supposed that's where they were taking them. The others—my math teacher, a short woman with curly hair, as well as another woman I didn't know—crouched down next to Josh to examine him.

They turned him over and gasped—along with a few other people including myself—at the amount of blood covering his face. It was hard to tell where the blood was coming from. I felt sick. My brain was frozen. All I could think about was my upset stomach. And Jack. Where the hell was he? He'd vanished right before the teachers had arrived. What a coward. Why did Josh have to pay for his fricking mistakes? I fricking hated him.

No.

I FUCKING hated him.


	6. Chapter 6

6

Hayley's POV

The bell had rung soon after the incident and I had been forced to go my class, despite my begging to accompany Josh through his stay at the infirmary. I had been told that no one would be allowed there except the nurse and his mother and that I wouldn't have helped anyway. Well, I had probably been told right.

But I felt like the class would NEVER end. Plus it was math, so that didn't help. I couldn't focus on ANYTHING the teacher said—even less than normally—and I didn't even hear her when she called me. Except the third time.

"MISS WILLIAMS!"

"Huh?" I blinked.

"I asked you a question."

"I'm sorry, I—"

"Wasn't listening, I know." She sighed. "Look, I know it's hard for you, what happened earlier, but you need to focus." It took me a second to remember that she had been there. She had actually been the one who had checked Josh as he was lying limply on the ground. But what did she know about how "hard" it was for me? I myself didn't even know that, so how could she?

Either way, I nodded slowly and tried paying attention. But all I could think about was Josh. Josh, staring helplessly at the bully before he hit him hard enough to kill him. Josh, falling to the ground with no one to catch him. Josh, lying face down in his own blood.

I felt like crying.

And then, miraculously enough, the bell rang. I was half sure it had been my imagination, but when I looked around me and saw that everyone was leaving, I almost leaped up in joy. Or did I? What was I hoping for, anyway? That they would let me visit him?

Yes. That was exactly what I was hoping for. I didn't know what I would say to him or if he was even awake yet, but I didn't care. I felt as if I would literally drop dead if I didn't go see him NOW.

Without any other hesitation, I bolted out of the room.

Josh's POV

If this was death, than it sucked. I thought death was supposed to be all about finding inner peace and leaving everything behind and all that, but right now I felt more sore than liberated. My whole face was killing me. Shit, I hoped I actually still HAD a face.

Slowly, I opened my eyes—or whatever was left of them—and immediately I was blinded by a bright light that forced my eyes shut again. Well, that was either the end of the tunnel or the infirmary.

"He's awake!" whispered a voice. An angel maybe?

"Josh?" The second voice was definitely not an angel. More like my grandmother crossed with a donkey. Shit, I wasn't in heaven. "Are you alright?" Well, if you didn't count the fact that I almost got killed by a prison fugitive who was actually after somebody else and now I wasn't even sure I still had a face, then sure, I was fine. Oh, not to mention the issues with my disorders and my mom and my obsession with Hayley and my lack of friends. "Josh, can you hear me?" Yes, unfortunately.

I nodded slowly and immediately regretted it. The pain was… a real motherfucker. Sheesh, had I been punched in the face or passed through a grinder? Why did EVERYTHING have to hurt?

"He hears me!" Hallelujah. I forced my eyes to open again and looked around. I could make out four faces. The closest—the one who kept talking—was an old woman which I won't describe because it would only end up as a bunch of insults. Probably the nurse. The second was my mother who looked like she'd cried a lot, and it suddenly made me feel guilty. The third was… oh, really? Mr. Barakat himself. Well, if he'd come to apologize, it was NOT accepted. And the fourth… The owner of the first voice I'd heard. My angel.

"Hayley?" I muttered. She beamed. Everyone turned to look at her. Since her name had been the first thing I'd said and people in hospital beds usually get what they want, she quickly stood up from her little chair and sat of the side of the bed instead. Nobody seemed to mind. It was like they were all trying to please me all of a sudden. Wow, I should get punched in the face more often.

"Hey Josh," she whispered. She avoided my eyes, looking very uncomfortable. Well, that wasn't surprising, considering I probably looked like Chucky. It suddenly hit me that she had absolutely no reason for being here. She hadn't been part of the fight or anything, and it wasn't like we were best friends. We'd never even had one decent conversation, and the two times she'd talked to me before I'd been an ass. So why was she here?

"Uh, Hayley, can I um…" Fuck, my mouth was such a pain. "…talk to you for a sec? In private?" She seemed surprised at the proposition, but it only took the others about five seconds to vanish. This hospital-bed VIP thing was really effective! As soon as the door closed, I got straight to the point. "Why are you here?"

And then I just wanted to punch myself all over again. I was supposed to be nice, not act all suspicious and… asshole-y.

"I uh… I just wanted to see you." She stared at the ground almost in shame.

"Oh." Oh? Who the fuck says "oh"!? I had to say something nice. "Uh… thank you." That's better.

She half-smiled. And suddenly, her eyes were staring straight into mine and she got all serious. "Listen, I uh, I've been thinking about that day, in chemistry," You too!? "and it just kills me how totally wrong that went! I mean, you seem like a really nice guy, but I just ruined everything and…"

"Woah, woah!" I had to stop her before the self-blame phase took over. "You did NOT ruin everything. It was TOTALLY my fault, I just acted like such a douche and you really didn't deserve that, and…" I sighed. Come on Josh, just say it. "I'm sorry." Man, that felt so good.

Her face lit up and her smile was almost complete. Wow, I had never realised how beautiful she was… Shit man, focus! "It's fine," she said. Really? That was it? I could put it all behind me now?

"So… we're cool?"

This time, her smile spread all across her bubbly face, sweet and beautiful… "Totally cool."

I decided to take it a little further. I stretched out my hand—luckily, that was less painful than everything else. "Friends?"

She took my hand and gave it one big shake. "You look like hell Josh, but yeah. Friends."

I smiled too, though it hurt like hell, and added something that came straight from my heart. "Getting punched in the face rocks."


	7. Chapter 7

7

Josh's POV

I had to miss a few days of school before my nose finally looked like it was a part of my face again, but pretty soon everything went back to normal. Which wasn't necessarily a good thing except for the fact that I actually talked to Hayley now. Yep, me and her, having totally normal—or almost—conversations on a daily basis. Perfect, right?

Also on the "Good Things That Have Been Happening In My Life" list—a list that wasn't often very long—Jack had finally apologized during chemistry class for "being a total fucking coward" before apologizing for not apologizing while I was in the infirmary. I had not hesitated before forgiving him—as a matter of fact I had to keep myself from thanking him—because if I hadn't gotten punched in the face, I would never have talked to Hayley and I would probably have ended up killing myself.

Just kidding!

No, really.

So, my life was taking a good turn when it came to social relations, but… There was always… THAT.

I sighed and shook my head. I didn't want to think about it. It already caused me enough trouble; thinking about it would only make things worse. Sometimes though, I felt the need to tell someone, to talk about it with somebody else than my mother—don't get me wrong, she was a great person to talk to, but it was getting old. She already knew everything and talking to her didn't lift the weight off my chest.

Sometimes I wanted to tell Hayley so bad… But no. I couldn't. Ugh, I felt sick at myself just for thinking about it. She didn't have to know. Nobody had to know. Nobody ever would.

Hayley's POV

I was a really sucky detective. I had given myself the mission to find out what was wrong with Josh, but the only progress I'd made so far was confirming that there was indeed something wrong with him. Sometimes he would disappear for too long in between classes and when he'd come back he'd look like he was about to burst into tears or something. Other days he'd come to school with dark circles around his eyes like he hadn't slept for days, and I'd even catch him falling asleep during class or in between. Not to mention the obvious phobia he had towards anyone who looked at him for one second too long. He seemed terrified of everybody's opinions, as if there was something terrible he was trying so hard to hide.

But the worst part was the way he lied to me every time I asked him about it. I knew he hated it, always changing the subject to keep from lying too long, but it still kind of sucked. Why didn't he just tell me? Didn't he understand that I was way beyond judging him? What could possibly be so bad?

And then one day, I had the most genius idea. If I wanted to be a good detective, I had to question more than just the "suspect"… I had to question a "witness"! In other words, since talking to Josh was absolutely useless, I had to talk to someone else. Someone who would know the answers to my questions. And I knew exactly who. I just hoped she would talk to me…

"You know what time it is?" I leaned against the locker next to Josh's and shot him an accomplice look.

He turned to me. "Uh… four fifty-five?"

I laughed. "No, you idiot! It's—"

"No, wait! Don't tell me! I got this." He pretended to think about it for a while before raising his finger into the air triumphantly. "It's wabbit season! Time to go hunt some wabbits!"

I gave him a light punch on the shoulder and tried to contain my laughter. "You just never stop, do you?"

"If you're talking about being awesome, then no, I don't."

He finally closed his locker before grabbing my arm and pulling me in the other direction. I followed happily until we reached the small empty room where choir practices were held—because the answer to my question was, of course, "choir time," even though we'd never really reached that conclusion.

The hour went by too fast, as always, but this time I was looking forward to the end. As soon as the room emptied again—I told Josh not to wait for me—I went straight to my "witness" to question her. That's right, you guessed it. Mrs. Ramsay.

"What can I do for you, Hayley?" she asked in her usual warm tone.

"I, um…" How did I make a mother reveal her son's secrets to me when he obviously didn't want her to? Ugh, I should have thought about that earlier. "It's about Josh," I said finally.

She raised her eyebrows. "What about Josh?"

Might as well get straight to the point. "Well, he's been acting weird from time to time, and whenever I talk to him about it he won't tell me anything! But I know there's something going on… Maybe you could, I dunno, enlighten me?" I tried to smile, but I felt it get all twisted and wrong.

I was suddenly hit by a fear I hadn't even thought of before. What if I was wrong? What if there wasn't anything wrong with Josh after all, and I was just being stupid? What would his mother think of me then?

That fear turned out to be pointless in the end, because Mrs. Ramsay looked down and nodded slowly, understanding. "I'm not supposed to tell anyone about this. You understand, right, Hayley?"

I nodded vigorously. "Of course! But I swear, I won't…"

"I know." She smiled. "I know I can trust you on this, but you have to promise you won't tell absolutely anyone." Her eyes seemed to dig into my soul all of a sudden. I resisted the urge to take a step back.

"I promise," I muttered feebly.

"Good." She looked away. Phew. I had passed the test. "Josh has bulimia," she said solemnly. "And insomnia." She pressed her lips together and sighed. "They're both pretty bad, but the bulimia is the worst." I stared at her, speechless. Josh, MY Josh had bulimia? "And, apart from the physical harm it's causing him," she continued, "it's eating up on his self-esteem every single day." She looked up at me and I could see her eyes watering. "He's so terrified of others' opinions, sometimes I feel like he's scared of mine too. I don't know what to do anymore, Hayley."

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know much about these kinds of disorders, even less about how to treat them. "Well, maybe I can help?" I suggested. "I could try to talk to him about it."

"No, don't!" The urgency in her tone startled me. "He can't know I told you this or he won't talk to me anymore, do you understand?"

"But maybe I could talk him out of it without mentioning anything too… precise."

She shook her head. "Don't try to be a therapist, Hayley. That's not your job. Just be there for him. It's all I ask." I bit my lip and nodded slowly. "Go now," she ordered. I left immediately, completely destabilized.


	8. Chapter 8

8

Hayley's POV

I walked slowly through the emptying hallway, thinking about what Mrs. Ramsay had just told me. If Josh had bulimia and I had never noticed, than he was either really good at hiding it or I was really blind. Using my thin knowledge on the subject, I figured there must have been periods of time when he'd have to eat a whole lot, non-stop. But I'd never noticed anything like that. For all I knew, he was eating just fine.

But those periods of time when he'd disappear… maybe that was it.

Ha, of course that was it! Despite the fact that I'd just found out my best friend—was that what he was now?—had a serious disorder, I felt kind of proud of myself for figuring it out, even if I had to ask someone directly for the answer. I also now had an explanation for his obvious lack of sleep. Insomnia. Wow.

I packed my schoolbag with homework—ugh—and slowly headed for the exit—which I had now localized and marked with a big red X on my internal map. But before I opened the heavy metallic door, an idea hit me.

What if Josh was doing all that… bulimic stuff right now? We never saw each other after choir—or after school the days when there was no choir—and there was no way for me to know he'd left the school for good unless I checked. It was a long shot, but I had nothing to lose.

I spun on my heels and sprinted in the other direction. Maybe I wasn't too late.

Josh's POV

"Josh!" I quickly turned to see Hayley running towards me like she was being chased by a herd of elephants. "Josh, are you alright?" she asked urgently. She stopped a few feet away from me, panting.

I frowned. "Yeah… I'm fine… Why wouldn't I be?"

She stopped panting and looked up at me. She looked embarrassed all of a sudden. "Uh… I dunno, I was just asking. Heh."

Well, it didn't sound like "just asking." It sounded more like she was scared something had happened to me. "Really?" I asked simply. She bit her lip. What the hell was going on here? "Hayley, what is it?" I closed my locker and faced her, crossing my arms.

Instead of answering my question, she asked, "Why are you still here? It's late."

"It's none of your business," I said immediately. I instantly wished I hadn't.

She raised her eyebrows. "I see." What? What do you see!? She had no fucking idea what she was talking about. She couldn't know why I was lingering around my locker late after school, what was going on in my fucking life. "Why don't I walk you outside?" she proposed stupidly.

"I can't. I have to go find my mom. She's the one who drives me home, obviously." I kept from rolling my eyes.

"Oh, right." There was a horribly awkward silence before she finally said, "Alright. I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Bye," I muttered while she turned and left. I watched her walk away for a while before looking down. "Hey, ground," I muttered. "You're my only friend." I sighed. Everything would be so much easier if I told her.

I opened my locker again. And that's when the anxiety came creeping back, like a shadow at the back of my mind. My head started pounding and I squeezed my eyes shut. I took in a shuddering breath. It didn't help. I knew what would, but it was wrong. It would only make everything worse.

Oh fuck it, it wasn't like I was a drug addict.

And before I knew it, I was eating again. I didn't even care what I was eating anymore. I had a bag full of junk food hidden behind a bunch of papers, and I always kept it full. It didn't really matter what was in it anyways, as long as it was edible. As long as I could feel it in my mouth, in my stomach. It felt like the only good thing in my life. But…

Why was the best thing in my life also ruining my life? How did that even make sense?

I was suddenly pulled out of my thoughts by a piece of paper hanging above my head, stuck between two thick binders. I pulled it out and… "Shit!" The word was muffled since my mouth was full. That was the history essay I had neglected for about a week now and I had completely forgotten about it. Great, now I was falling behind on my homework too. I didn't need THAT to add up to my anxiety.

My hand suddenly hit the bottom of the bag of chips I had just emptied, and I forgot everything about the essay. Already? I quickly pulled out another one before I could feel guilty. It didn't matter anymore anyway. One or two, same thing. I emptied the second bag in a few minutes, glad I had something to be happy about. This time, I tasted it. I loved the way the food seemed to fill up that hole inside me… But it was not that hole that needed filling. It was the one just above, the one in my chest, ripping me apart every time I realised I'd gone too far. Like now.

And then came that moment I hated more than anything. It wasn't like I hadn't expected it, but it still sucked. I closed my locker, threw the empty bags in the trash and headed for the bathroom, my hands buried deep in my pockets. I had to convince myself that what I was about to do was absolutely necessary.

Well, I wasn't very hard to convince. Of course it was necessary. I didn't want to be fat, did I? No. No more than I already was. I cringed at the thought. I fought away the image of people staring at me, laughing, judging. I fought away the memory of that first chemistry class…

And there I was. The bathroom. The dreadful place filled with guilt and sickness. I supposed normal people just saw it as the place where they took a piss. But I'd settled that before; I wasn't normal.

I couldn't waste any more time or it would be too late. I walked over to one of the stalls. Ugh, the smell was enough to make me puke. Haha. No, this wasn't something I could joke about.

I looked down to the bottom of the blue toilet. Well, here goes.


	9. Chapter 9

***Before reading this, I would suggest reading the end of the previous chapter before (just a few paragraphs) just to put yourself back into context, since this chapter and the previous one are linked together. But you know, it's just a recommendation :) Just fyi, it starts right after Hayley asks Josh if he's ok (because she's worried about him) and he tells her he's fine so she leaves.***

9

Hayley's POV

I walked away from him slowly, disappointed and embarrassed. I had been wrong. There was nothing going on here. All I had done was arouse suspicion. Now he would be more careful around me… ugh.

I turned right at the fork and headed for the door. The lockers covering the walls seemed to enclose me, the door seemed too far… I closed my eyes and shook my head quickly. I hoped I wasn't starting to develop agoraphobia or something.

And then, a sound caught my attention. It sounded like a bag opening or something of the sort. It was probably just my imagination but… I couldn't help it. I turned back. Call me crazy, obsessed and paranoid, I wouldn't deny it. Or maybe I was just worried about my friend.

When I reached the fork again, I leaned against the corner of the last locker, hiding behind it, and peeked at the empty hallway I had walked away from just a few minutes ago. Josh was still there, his locker still open. He was staring with a horrified expression at a piece of paper in his hand, and with the other hand… Oh my god, I had been right! He was eating. A lot. I had to admit, I sometimes choked junk food down like a pig too, but apparently this wasn't normal. In his case, it was some kind of disorder. Uhuh.

I truly considered turning back around—yet again—but then I remembered something else I had learned somehow about bulimics. Ok, so they occasionally ate a lot, but I did that too. I didn't force myself to throw up afterwards though. And that was it. If Josh was really having some kind of bulimic attack, that meant the next step was… gross.

No, I couldn't allow that to happen.

I decided to stalk him a little more until he would finally stop eating. It took a while, since he didn't stop after one huge bag of chips and instead moved on to another. Wow, how could he gulp down so much?

Finally, a look of guilt and despair crossed his face and he closed his locker abruptly, making me jump. I clasped my hands over my mouth to keep from yelping. Josh took off in the other direction then, and I waited a few seconds before tiptoeing my way after him. He had no clue I was there! The situation was actually pretty funny.

I followed him all the way to the men's room. Well, from there it would be more of a challenge. But I couldn't back away now. It was gross, but I was so close! I peeked inside the washroom and saw Josh stare down into one of the toilets as if he was trying to communicate with it through telepathic means. He then leaned over it and brought his hand to his mouth.

Oh my fricking god. I forgot all about my repulsion toward boys' washrooms and stormed in. "Stop!" I yelled.

Josh's POV

"Stop!" The yell made me jump so hard that my jaw clenched and I bit my fingers—you know, the ones I had shoved into my mouth. Somebody grabbed my disgusting hand and pulled it away, holding it tightly. "Josh, what are you doing?" she asked almost pleadingly.

I froze. What the fuck was she doing here? I wanted to push her away, to yell at her. But I couldn't. I couldn't move. I was overwhelmed by a sudden and horrible feeling of guilt and disgust. Worse than what I had felt before. Worse than all I had felt in weeks. At first I didn't understand why I felt so awful, but then everything became clear.

All this time, I had tried so hard to convince myself that what I was doing was ok. For months, I had pushed away the guilt by covering it with excuses. It's ok to be strange. It's ok to do something physically wrong since it's necessary if I don't wanna gain weight. It's ok to make myself sick. I had lied these lies to myself for so long. I had built up a careful routine to keep myself from thinking about what I was doing. Eat, throw up, eat, throw up. I had convinced myself it was ok.

And Hayley had broken my routine. Just for a second, she's pulled me out of my lies and forced me to take a step back and look at myself, at what I was about to do. And it had been enough to break me down.

I saw now how stupid I looked, how sick and pathetic I must've seemed to her. I saw that my routine was an excuse, that I had to stop.

But most of all, I realised—for what seemed like the hundredth time—that I could not stop. That I was cursed into being what I was forever, and there was no way out.

"Josh?" she whispered softly. "Oh god, don't cry, please."

Fuck, I didn't want to cry! It only added up to the image of weakness I was giving her. But it seemed like the more I tried to stop the worse it got. I leaned against the side of the stall and let myself slide down to a sitting position. I didn't dare move more than that. Hayley crouched next to me, still gripping my hand.

"Why do you do this?" she asked. "Why do you hurt yourself like this?"

Why? Because I have to. "Because…" Gosh, my voice sounded like shit. "Because I don't wanna be f—fat." I had trouble with the word. I hated it.

To my great surprise, she actually chuckled. "What? But you're not fat!" Ugh, I hated how everyone kept shoving that lie down my throat—no pun intended—as if I was too stupid to not get that it was a LIE.

I frowned. "Don't lie. Please Hayley, not you."

"But, I'm not lying…"

"SHUT UP!" Ouch. That had been louder than I'd intended. Hayley looked down. She looked on the verge of tears too. I felt like shit. I didn't want to hurt her.

Still though, I wanted her to understand. I wanted to finally show her what I'd been hiding for so long. I wanted her to comprehend that lying to me would be useless. I didn't want her to become like my mother.

Slowly, I took her hand—the one that wasn't already gripping mine—and brought it to my stomach. I let go and pulled my shirt up just enough for her to see. At first she didn't react. And then she saw. I could tell by her expression that she was finally starting to understand.

"Josh…" It was merely a whisper. Slowly, so slowly, she passed her fingers over the cuts covering my skin. There were so many I'd given up counting them. Some were old, some were newer, but in that moment they all seemed to hurt equally.

Suddenly, Hayley seemed to realise something. "That day, in chemistry… this is what you were so scared they would see…" I nodded. She understood. Finally.

A huge weight seemed to lift off my shoulders, but it didn't make me feel better. What would Hayley think of me now? Would she run and hide? Pretend she didn't know me? It's what I would do.

"I understand if you never want to talk to me again," I whispered. It didn't feel like I could do more than whisper anymore.

She frowned. "You don't really expect me to abandon you like this… right?"

"Why not?" I could suddenly feel the tears flowing freely down my cheeks. "I'm a horrible person. You have every reason to run away." I sniffed. "But if you're gonna do it, just do it now and make it quick."

Out of nowhere, she smiled again. It was a sad smile, full of pity. I hated it. "You're not horrible, Josh. You're beautiful."

Ugh, please, not that cheesy bullshit. I snickered. "Yeah right."

She shook her head. "I swear, you are!"

"Did you even look at me!?" I snapped.

"Yes." Her tone was final. "And you are the most beautiful person I've even known." And then, before I could react, she locked my face between her hands and pressed her lips against mine. I couldn't help but respond to her kiss at first, but then I gasped and pushed her away.

"What are you doing?"

She stared at me. "I was just…" She gestured with her hands something incomprehensible.

And that's when I realised something that hadn't crossed my mind before. Almost as if the kiss had awakened me. "How did you know I was here?" I asked sharply. "How did you know what I was gonna do?"

"I, uh… Intuition?"

"Liar." I frowned. What was it that she wasn't telling me? "How did you know!? How did you know I have bulimia? You knew, right? That's why you asked me if I was ok earlier?" It was all coming back to me. How had I not thought about this before?

She pressed her lips together, looking down in shame. "Yes. I knew. Your mother told me."

My jaw dropped. My mother…? But… How could she betray me like this? I couldn't believe my ears. Then again, my mother was pretty much the only one who could tell Hayley about me…

I tried keeping the fresh tears from flowing and pushed Hayley away without another word. I stormed out of the bathroom with one goal in mind. To get as far away from here as possible.

But just before I left, I turned to Hayley one last time. In the most bitter tone I could manage, I said one last thing. "Fuck you."


	10. Chapter 10

10

Hayley's POV

Another sob ripped through my throat and Emily tightened her grip around me. "Oh, Hay…" She sighed. "It's ok, c'mon… I'm sure he'll forgive you…"

"No!" I almost choked yelling that. I had to stop and cough a bit before resuming. "No, I ruined everything! His mother…" I hiccupped. "… asked me—no, made me PROMISE that I would…" Another hiccup. "… never tell him, and it's… it's the first thing I did!" The sobs took over again and I wrapped my arms around Emily's neck for the fifth time. "I lied to him!" Hiccup. "I made him hate me! And I… I kissed him! A—And he pushed me away!" I couldn't go on. I felt like I'd cried so much I should've been dry already. Dry like an old leaf falling from a tree in late November.

But no, the tears were still flowing, soaking Emily's shirt. She should've brought a bathing suit.

The bell rang then, and sadly I was forced to let go of my understanding friend and get ready for my next class. Which, OBVIOUSLY, was chemistry! Wooow, who would've thought!?

I almost managed to turn my face an almost normal color—instead of Elmo-red—before entering the classroom. Josh wasn't there. Jack Barakat was though—the world is full of surprises!—smiling dumbly at me. I looked down. How would I go through the whole class without telling him about what had happened yesterday? I knew I couldn't, but I was a real drama queen, and when I had something on my mind, everyone had to know.

But I wouldn't tell him.

…

Yeah right.

Ten minutes later, I had spilled the whole story. Well, not the WHOLE story, because I would never EVER tell anyone—except Emily, but she was trustworthy!—about Josh's problems, but I had still told Jack about how angry he'd been at me after I'd tried to kiss him and how guilty I felt for talking to his mom behind his back.

"So, what the hell were you talking to his mom about?" Jack asked, confused. "Wait. Do I wanna know?"

I smiled—almost. "No."

He simply nodded, not pushing me any further. This was something I liked about Jack; he knew when it was ok to be annoying and when it was time to stop. "Listen, I'm not really good at this stuff, but maybe you should try and talk to him?"

"I can't," I said immediately. "He hates me…"

"Miss Williams! Pay attention!" Mrs. Henry yelled at me. God, she sounded like a crow with a sore throat!

"Sorry…" I muttered. Ten seconds later, I continued the conversation. "I can't talk to him," I whispered, "because it'll only make things worse!"

"But if you don't talk to him it won't make things better!" Jack replied. Huh. Made sense.

I sighed exasperatedly. And then, an idea hit me. "Maybe you should talk to him. You know, from one guy to another. Maybe he'll listen to you!"

Jack scoffed. "And what the fuck should I tell him? Hey man, I talked to that chick you hate, and she told me I should tell you to forgive her."

I chuckled and slapped his shoulder. "Not like that! Just tell him—"

"MISS WILLIAMS! Do I need to put you at another table? One where you won't be so tempted to share secrets with your partner during class?" I quickly shook my head. For some reason I was sure that if she made me switch partners I would end up with Josh. "Good. Now, I don't wanna hear another word, understood?" I nodded. I didn't want to take any chances, so I kept my mouth shut for the rest of the class.

After the bell rang though, I managed to tell Jack one last thing before he rushed out of the classroom. "Talk to him, k?" He sighed and nodded before being swallowed by the wave of students drowning the hallways.

Josh's POV

I was a terrible child. If I were my mother—which is weird and physically impossible but that's beside the point—I would shove me in a basket and push the basket down Niagara Falls. Well, maybe a barrel would be more fitting.

I missed school that morning for the pure and simple reason that I didn't want to go. I didn't feel ready to face everyone. Oh and I had chemistry, and I definitely didn't feel ready to face HER again.

I spent the morning roaming around the school's neighbourhood, since I couldn't stay home because I didn't want to worry my mom. It was rather gray and empty, but I didn't see much of it. It was too lost in thought. And honestly, it was not "peaceful, meditating" kind of thinking. For a while I actually considered killing myself before deciding that it was stupid and weak.

In the end, I forced my feet to lead me back to the school with the pretext that I couldn't run away forever and the faster I faced it, the faster this would all be over. If it ever would.

I got there around noon. Everyone was happily frolicking to the cafeteria with their lil' buds. I just stood there and watched them for a second—gosh, they were all so pathetic—before slowly walking over to an empty table. No one would bother me there. I wasn't planning on eating anything—obviously—despite the fact that I felt like my guts had turned into a colony of angry carnivore ants.

So I just sat there peacefully, wondering how I would survive through high school—and everything after that—when all of a sudden…

"Hey, Ramsay!" What the fucking fuck did he want?

"Hey… Barakat," I muttered in an almost civilized manner. "What are you doing here… in this empty corner of the cafeteria…?" I raised my eyebrows.

"I should ask you the same question." I made it clear that I wasn't in the mood for that kind of attitude. He looked down and started over. "Well, ya know… Got ditched by my guys. So I thought, I'm a lonely man, you're a lonely man… lonely men stick together."

Ha. I almost bought it. Almost. "Right…"

He cleared his throat and quickly changed the subject. "So did you watch the game last night?"

Oh, right. Sports. My favourite topic. "I don't really watch sports."

"Oh…" He looked down. "Well um, actually I was talking about the game of bingo on the Church Channel." If I'd had anything in my mouth right then, I would've choked on it. For a second I even managed to smile. Jack chuckled. "I guess you could call it a sport…" he said hesitantly, "I mean, the physical effort required is quite high for 95-year-olds."

"They really play that stuff of the Church Channel?"

"I guess. I mean, it happens in a church so… I suppose that's like, the exciting moment of the day."

I snickered and loosed up a bit. Jack sure knew how to lighten the atmosphere! Still though, I wasn't fooled. There was a reason he'd come to talk to me, and I would find out what it was.

"That's great man, I'm glad to know you know so much about the daily life of a 95-year-old." I crossed my arms like a detective and put on my serious face—you know, the one I'd been wearing for the past eighteen hours. "But why are you here? Seriously?"

Jack bit his lip guiltily. I knew it! "I talked to Hayley this morning." Oh fuck. Why was I not surprised? "She um… she asked me to tell you she's sorry."

I raised one eyebrow in disbelief. "Uhuh. What else? Did she send me flowers?"

"Come on man, don't be a dick. She's fucking miserable!"

I was going to say something snappy again, but I choked on the sudden panic that filled me when I realised Hayley had probably told this fucktard everything about what had happened the previous day. What if she'd told him about my… issues!? Shit! But I had to make sure first. I leaned over the table and looked him straight in the eyes. "What exactly did Hayley tell you, anyway?"

He leaned backwards a bit and muttered, "Ya know… that you got angry 'cause she tried to kiss you… And 'cause she was talking to your mom about stuff…"

I could hear my heart pounding in my ears but I tried keeping it off my face. "What kind of stuff?"

He shrugged. "She said I don't wanna know."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. So she hadn't told him.

I felt a sudden twinge of guilt at the fact that I'd actually believed she had told him—or anyone, for that matter. If there was one thing I could be grateful of, it was that Hayley respected me enough to keep my secret. And… hell, maybe she even cared about me. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all, and I really WAS just being a jerk…

But no. She could be nicer than Mother Theresa, it wouldn't change the fact that she couldn't help me. That she couldn't understand. That she'd lied to me, like everyone else. That she'd talked about me behind my back with my own MOTHER like I was some retarded psycho escaped from the asylum. It wouldn't change the fact that I hated her.

"She really feels bad, you know," Jack said matter-of-factly. He really picked the right moment to shove that at me.

"I don't care," I replied bitterly. "She can cry herself to death if she wants." Ugh, I was such a cruel asshole. "Besides, if she feels so fucking bad why doesn't she just talk to me in person, instead of sending her little slave over here!?" Jack frowned, but I noticed a tiny smile playing on his lips. How could he still think this was funny? "You know, man, I'm fucking sick of this." And on that note, I got up and went to find myself another table. One where I wouldn't be bothered by anyone. And this time I meant it.


	11. Chapter 11

11

Hayley's POV

"I'm really sorry, Hays," Jack said again. "I tried, but he wouldn't listen."

"That's ok," I forced a smile. I didn't want Jack to feel bad about this. This was between me and Josh and he'd already done more to help me than I deserved.

"You sure?"

I nodded. "Yeah, it's alright. Thank you so much for trying."

"I wish I could've done more…" He really looked disappointed.

I chuckled. "Aw c'mon Jack-ster you've done enough!" He smiled sadly. I checked my watch. Twenty more minutes until lunch was over. I sighed. I didn't want to go sit down on a chair and try to listen to a bunch of gibberish for another four hours. I had way too much on my mind for that!

"Do you love him?" Jack asked all of a sudden. I shot him a look full of shock and amusement. Maybe a bit of hostility too, judging by his reaction.

"No!" I choked out. "I mean… I don't know! Maybe?" I bit my lip. Did I? I had never asked myself this question before. I scoffed. "Is there any way I could find out?" Wait, had I really just asked that to a guy?

He chuckled. "I dunno. That's not really my specialty… You could ask a guru or something." He seemed to remember something then. A look of triumph crossed his face and he snapped his fingers. "Wait, I read this once in a book: this guy wasn't sure if he was in love with this girl or not so he kissed another girl, and since that didn't make him feel anything he knew he was really in love with the first one…" His voice trailed off as he noticed my facial expression. "What?"

"What HAVE you been reading!?" I laughed.

He shrugged and looked away uncomfortably. "Stuff."

"Wait, wait. So you're saying that I'm supposed to kiss someone else in order to find out if I'm in love with Josh? But does that even work?" I laughed again. "Wait, is that just an excuse to kiss me?"

"What? NO. Of course not! What gave you that idea, ha, ha… Shit, you're onto me!"

I chuckled and patted his shoulder lightly. "Oh Jack, you're such a sweet guy… A bit naïve, but sweet."

He frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh nothing… it's just…" My voice trailed off. I was now staring into his eyes and he was bewilderingly staring back into mine. What if his little trick actually worked? Would it be strange if I suddenly kissed him? After all, it was just a test, and he'd been the one to propose it!

Oh well, there was only one way of finding out. Quickly, I closed my eyes and laid a short—but not too short—kiss on his lips. For a second he seemed frozen, and then he pulled back.

"Woah! Shit! You actually did it!" He brought his hand to his mouth as if to wipe it, but instead he just kept it there for a second before letting it fall to his side.

"You're not angry, are you?" I asked quickly. "Ugh, that was so stupid of me, sorry." I frantically shook my head at myself. What the hell was I thinking?

"Aw, it's ok." Something didn't feel so "ok" about the way he said that. "So did you feel anything?"

I thought for a second. "Yeah," I said finally, "Utter embarrassment." He chuckled, but seemed almost… disappointed? Aw, well that sucked. I guess anyone would be disappointed to know they're only the test-subject in this kind of experience.

"You know…" he began slowly, "if you're telling the truth than you probably really ARE in love with him…"

I scoffed. "Only if your little trick actually works!"

He shook his head with a taunting smile. "Hays… It's so funny how you keep trying to hide something this obvious from yourself." Ha, what!? That was so totally un—

True. That was so totally true. I had to face it. I really was in love with Josh. I had butterflies in my stomach just at the thought of him. And I was always thinking about him. I worried about him and dreamt about him—woo, creepy—and I felt like I couldn't live without him! How had I not admitted this to myself earlier? I loved him.

And he hated me.

Josh's POV

During the ten minutes following my encounter with Jack, I managed to go from disgusted and horrified at the idea of talking to Hayley again, to convinced that if I didn't, the world would explode. I didn't really care so much about the world, but how could I go through afterlife knowing I had killed almost seven billion people because I'd refused to talk to a girl.

Wait, what?

My own thoughts were starting to disturb me; this was getting serious.

I had to talk to her.

But I couldn't.

Fuck.

But I had to!

It was like blinking with no eyelids! You have to but you can't! Oh my god, ew.

That was it. I had—HAD—to go talk to her. Nevermind eyelids.

But how could I find her? She could practically be anywhere in the school. And it was one big school. I decided my best bet would be her locker. I didn't think she'd go to any of the places where we used to go together, just her and me—our usual cafeteria table, for instance, or that creepy place under the stairs where we'd hide and watch people walk right by us without noticing we were there. I felt a smile twitching at the corner of my lips as I thought of that day when we were sitting under the stairs as usual and a HUGE and hairy spider had attacked Hayley… She'd yelled so loud the whole school must've heard her. I had decided to name the spider Bennie—what? I thought that was a really cute name, ok?—but then Hayley had killed it and it had broken my heart… Haha. Good times.

I sighed. I'd only known her for a few weeks and it felt like forever. I could barely remember my life before her.

But now I was ruining everything. Again. What the fuck was wrong with me?

This time, I was determined to fix things between us once and for all. I tried to keep from running to her locker. Up the stairs, through the winding hallways… My heart was racing by the time I finally reached it.

But she wasn't there. Aw, come on!

I felt like dropping to my knees and punching the ground. I settled for doing it only in my head though. I turned around and dragged my feet back towards the cafeteria.

But I stopped halfway through the hallway. Was it just my imagination or…?

There were only a few people there, chatting or picking up late homework to maybe do it in the last fifteen minutes of lunch break, so I could clearly hear her voice somewhere close. I looked around, and finally, FINALLY, I saw her.

She was standing at the very back of a dead-end corridor, talking to… Jack? Oh. So the open locker next to them must have been his. Right. She didn't notice me as I started walking towards her slowly. Jack would definitely make things more complicated. How could I get rid of him without…

I didn't have time to finish that thought though. Because right then, right in front of me, out of absolutely nowhere, Hayley stood on her toes and stuck and big fat kiss on Barakat's mouth.

I stopped short. I felt as if the air had been knocked out of my lungs. I couldn't move. All I could do was stare at them stupidly as if I was witnessing some kind of brutal murder. Hell, even being punched in the face had hurt less than this.

But why? Why did it matter so much to me that Hayley had chosen… him? I suddenly had to fight back tears as I turned to walk away from her for what felt like the tenth time.

I didn't understand. I felt like the whole world was spinning around me. At some point I had to stop and lean against a wall in order to keep standing on my feet. For a second I thought I was gonna faint. Maybe it was the effects of my lack of sleep creeping back to me, or the fact that I was starving myself. Most likely both.

I closed my eyes and tried fighting off the image of Hayley kissing Jack, of Hayley standing up on her fucking TOES to kiss him, like it was the only thing she wanted… Fuck, it hurt so bad.

But in the end, why was I even surprised?


	12. Chapter 12

12

Hayley's POV

I didn't see Josh at all that day. Despite the fact that Jack had talked to him during lunch—thus, he'd been there—I had not found him anywhere afterwards. It was as if he'd come and left right away.

Consequently, my mood didn't improve at all. By the time the last class was over I still felt like bursting into tears. At least Emily was there for me. She let me cry on her shoulder yet again, which was immensely nice of her considering that was pretty much the only thing I'd done in her presence all day. She hugged me tightly and told me what people are usually supposed to say when somebody's bawling in their arms. "It'll be alright… Everything will get better…" I wanted to believe her. But I was so scared that I'd gone too far, that I'd lost him for good.

I didn't understand why he hated me. Ok, so I shouldn't have forced his mom to spill his secret when it was obvious he didn't want me to know. But he'd been wrong! It was a good thing that I knew, right? I mean, I could help him now… Of course, I couldn't really help him if he avoided me all the time.

Apart from that, all I'd done was try to understand… But I didn't understand how he could hate himself so much. I mean, even if he WAS fat—which he most definitely wasn't—what was the big deal? Why all this worry? Why did he have to hurt himself over that? Why was he so convinced that he was a horrible person when actually he was the nicest guy I'd ever known? I'd tried telling him—though maybe kissing him hadn't been the best idea—but he'd called me a liar… It would take a lot more than just words and a misplaced kiss to convince him.

I had to try though. But first, I had to figure out a way to talk to him.

Josh's POV

I stared at the setting sun through my tiny window. My room was just as tiny, and a mess to top it all. I might as well have lived in a dump.

But there was one thing that was always neatly tucked at the bottom of a drawer. Some days, if felt like my only friend. Days when I hated food, it was my other option, my escape route. This was one of those days.

I took my eyes off the sun and reached for the little plastic box sitting under a bunch of socks and some old paper. I stared at it for a second before opening it. Was it really so wrong?

In the past I used to have other ways of coping with all my shit feelings. Sometimes I would strum a few chords on my guitar and the pain would go away. But the more time passed, the less that seemed to work. I had reached the point where I went directly to the little box for help.

I picked up one of the razors and held it between my thumb and forefinger for a second. Hey there, buddy. I pulled up my shirt. Instantly, the number of scars covering my skin hit me like a truck. Yet I knew about them, so why did it shock me? I hated those stupid scars. Why wouldn't they just go the fuck away?

I looked back towards the window, discouraged. The sun was almost gone now. I felt a twinge of nostalgia as I thought of my old life. I missed my old school, I missed my old friends, I missed my old home. My only home. I missed my life before all this bulimia bullshit. I missed the times when it didn't matter what I looked like or how much I ate. That was a very long time ago. I had been diagnosed with these fucked up disorders long before I'd moved, but even then things had seemed easier than they did now.

I stared at the razor again, and an idea hit me. A horrible idea. But as horrible as it seemed, I didn't push it away. I had nothing to lose.

I pulled my shirt back down promptly. I didn't need to add any more scars there. This time, I was aiming at something else.

I pressed the razor against the inside of my wrist for the first time. At the very top, right next to my hand. I started softly, but soon I was pressing harder than I should have.

I thought about my mother. How she'd betrayed me as if all I'd ever told her didn't matter. As if my trust in her had been insignificant. I thought about Hayley. Her lies, her condescending attitude, her Jack…

My wrist was burning. I didn't stop though. I could feel all my rage spilling out of me along with the few drops of blood dripping down my hand. Adrenaline filled me and I didn't feel the physical pain anymore. All I felt was excitement mixed with some kind of sick relief. And anger. Pure anger. No lies. I was used to that. I loved it.

But still, I pushed it further. I pressed until the drops of blood gathered together to form little strips. I had never gone so far before. I knew it should've made me sick, but instead it filled me with a strange fascination. I watched the little strips stretch down on either side of my wrist or into my palm where they formed a little red puddle. For a second, I even smiled.

And then I clenched my teeth and did the unthinkable. I tugged on the razor though it was already buried deeply into my skin. I knew what would happen then.

I let out an involuntary gasp as my right hand dropped the bloody razor to the ground. This time I'd felt the pain. I didn't care though. I held out my left hand. With a disturbing calm, I watched the blood, MY blood, gush out of the wound at an incredible speed. Bright crimson spread into the bed sheets under me, down the side of the hard bed, across the floor and into the old carpet…

And still, I couldn't bring myself to regret my decision. Instead all I could feel was relief. It would all be over soon. I'd passed the test.

With one last effort I glanced at the window again. The sun was gone now. I would never see it again. And I accepted that entirely.

Slowly, I closed my eyes and lay down on the bed. A few stray thoughts crossed my mind. My mother, my family. Hayley. But I let them go. And as they left, one by one, I could feel an utter peace filling me, like nothing I'd ever felt before.

And then, finally, everything disappeared.


	13. Chapter 13

13

Josh's POV

I was drifting. Floating in an ocean of emptiness. I didn't know where the waves would take me, but I didn't care. I let them guide me through the bright nothingness without fighting back.

The only thing that still seemed to exist was light. But was it really there, or was I just imagining it? I didn't care about that either. All I could feel was peace. Serenity. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't sad either. I felt nothing. I was free.

And suddenly, a vague shadow tugged at my mind. A little piece of reality gripping me and pulling me back… No. I didn't want to go back. I fought it off, but in vain. I could suddenly feel pain again. Everywhere. But the worst was inside my head. No… Go away! I could hear faint voices around me, but I couldn't make out the words, nor did I try.

And then, they all went away. Vanished. I was back into the unending sea of light, freed once again. It was as if nothing had happened. I accepted that happily. I felt as if the only thing I could still do was accept everything.

For a while, I stood there, enveloped in the light, careless. But the shadow came creeping again. Dark, ugly, incessant. It dragged me to reality for the second time. This time, I heard nothing, but I felt something stretching around my head, and then something hard covering my face. I was suddenly aware of my breathing becoming easier.

Oh shit. It took me less time than I would've thought to figure it out. It was an oxygen mask. Shit, shit, shit. I didn't want them to save me! I didn't want them to wrench me out of my pacific haven…

It wasn't fair. Please, please don't.

But there was nothing I could do. I wanted to stop them, but the light drowned me again, and I couldn't help but welcome it happily.

Some time later—I couldn't say if it had been a second or a year—the shadow pulled on me for the third time. I had expected it, though it had been impossible for me to worry about it while in a state of absolute peace.

But now I worried. Now that the pain was coming back with more strength than before, now that I was starting to feel things, to hear things around me, I was chocked with worry. What if that had been it? My short moment of peace. All that I was allowed before being thrown back into my horrifying life. What if I could never go back?

"Josh?"

I knew that voice. But I didn't want to recognize it. I didn't want to be part of that world anymore. I had no choice though. Why me? What had I done!? God, couldn't things go my way just for once!?

I forced my eyes to open. It took them a few seconds to focus, and then I saw where I was. Actually, all I saw was lots of white. But it wasn't comforting white, like the one in my peaceful place. It was ugly, dirty, menacing white.

There was an annoying beeping in the background, and it took me a second before understanding what it was. My own heartbeat. I was actually disappointed to realise I still had one.

I looked around and finally discovered the little white room surrounding me. It was mostly empty, except for a bunch of scary stuff attached to my arm through several wires and my sister sitting on what looked like a very uncomfortable chair next to my bed. Oh yeah, and the bed I was on. A hard white bed. Still softer than my own bed though.

"Josh, can you hear me?" Why was that the first thing everyone asked when I woke up in a hospital bed? Of course I can hear you! I didn't have a bomb explode in front of my face, did I? So why would I not fucking hear you? "Hellooo…" Sara waved her hand in front of my face. She looked annoyed, but also worried to death.

"Hi…" I muttered. She gasped and stood up.

"Oh my god, you're ok!"

I wasn't. I wasn't ok at all. Why the fuck was I still alive!? "Sara, what the fuck happened?" My voice sounded pretty weak, but not so terrible. Shit, I didn't sound very much like a dead guy.

"I think you should tell me, Josh. What the hell were you thinking!?"

I frowned. Well, it wasn't like I would suddenly explain to her the past dozen months of my life. I felt a bit selfish for not telling her anything about my problems when she'd tell me everything about hers, but let's just say her problems were much less dramatic and usually solved themselves. "Dunno," I said simply.

Her eyes widened. "'Dunno'!?" she mimicked. "You almost killed yourself and you don't know why!?"

"Listen, it's none of your fucking business!" I shouted a bit too loud.

A look of pain crossed her face and she sat down on the bed next to me slowly. "How can you say that? You're my little brother, of course it's my fucking business! Josh, if things were so bad for you that you wanted to die, why didn't you just tell me?"

I couldn't look at her. I stared at my hand—the one that wasn't full of wires—guiltily. When I didn't answer, Sara got up and sighed. "I have to tell everyone that you're awake. They're all sleeping in the other room." Sleeping? What time was it? There was a window in my room, but the blinds were drawn. It didn't look like there was light on the other side.

Sara left and came back a few minutes later with the nurse and the rest of my family. My mom, my dad and my sister Ange. My mother looked like she'd cried a whole lot, obviously. Everyone else just looked weary and sad. I had done this to them. Fuck, things were just getting better and better.

The nurse was definitely an improvement over the one at my school. She had curly red hair and twenty million freckles. In fact, she was rather sexy… Haha. "How are you feeling, Josh?" she asked.

I thought about it for a second. Tired. Nervous. Depressed. Betrayed. Selfish. Guilty. Fat. Ugly. Stupid. Angry. Sore. Weak. Pathetic. "Fine," I said finally.

"That's great!" She was a terrible actress. "You should consider yourself very lucky, Josh. Thanks to your family, you managed to keep enough blood in you to live through this without any major consequence!" She smiled like she'd just told a woman she was pregnant. She had to be the stupidest nurse in the universe. Didn't she realise I'd done this to myself? Didn't she realise it had been my fucking intention to die!? "You see," the nurse continued, oblivious to my sudden hate towards her, "your sister here," she pointed Sara, "found you shortly after the incident," The INCIDENT? Oh please. "And your mother was able to keep her calm long enough to put some pressure on that naughty wrist of yours and keep it from bleeding! You should thank them." She almost looked like she was lecturing me. Well, at least now I knew what had happened.

I looked back at my mother. I pictured her staring at my inert body in utter shock. I couldn't imagine her ever snapping out of it, especially not to think logically and switch to first aid mode. But she had, and that had probably saved my life. I didn't know if I should feel grateful or just more pissed off.

My eyes watered as I glanced from my mother to my father to my sisters. If I had succeeded… I didn't even want to think of what it would have done to them. "I'm sorry," I whispered in a broken voice.

And despite the fact that I was a selfish liar, I knew that they believed me.

Hayley's POV

I was worried out of my pants. That was an understatement. I was worried out of… Ugh, I was just so worried!

Long story short, I had received a call the next morning from Josh's mom telling me that he was in the fricking hospital and he wanted to see me. Well, actually she said he DIDN'T want to see me—apparently he'd even taken the time to mention how much he didn't want to see me—but his mom thought I still should come because it would be good for him or something like that. I didn't know if she was right. He'd probably just hate me more for coming. Besides, I had school that day so I couldn't fricking go anywhere.

And to top it all, I didn't even know why he was in the hospital!

So of course I was worried sick all day, annoying Emily with my ranting. She said she didn't mind—obviously because she was the nicest most understanding person in the world—but I knew she did. Of course, who wouldn't?

And then school finally ended and I took the bus home, annoyed by how SLOWLY it moved. I spent fifteen minutes pleading my mom to go to the hospital to see my poor sick best friend—of course, not knowing why he was there didn't help—before she'd finally agreed to drive me, and now…

Here I was.


	14. Chapter 14

**Well, this chapter is about twice as long as any other one, but it's also my personal favourite. :)**

14

Hayley's POV

"Hi, I'm here to see Joshua Ramsay," I told the woman behind the counter. She had a hard little face and pointy glasses.

She didn't even look up at me when she asked, "Name?"

"Hayley Williams." I peeked over the counter to see her writing my name down—and obviously spelling it wrong. "Um, it's "Hayley" with a middle Y…"

"Right," she muttered without changing it. "Are you family?"

"No, I'm a friend." She scribbled something on her paper again and gave me a little yellow card. "Here's your pass. Room 243. It's on the second floor." She didn't give me any further instructions. Oh well. I waved at my mom and she smiled encouragingly, and then I was off.

It took me a while before I finally found room 243. Good thing there were actually NICE people working at that hospital who could guide me.

When I got there, I heard faint voices coming from inside. Damn. Of course he wasn't alone! I had been stupid to expect that. Still, I gathered my courage and knocked lightly on the door. Instantly, the voices stopped.

"Come in!" a woman's voice called.

I entered hesitantly, searching for Josh. He was lying in an immaculate white bed, staring at me. As soon as he comprehended who I was and what I was doing here, his face twisted with sadness and anger. I looked down.

"What are you doing here?" he hissed.

"I just… wanted to see you."

He didn't answer. I looked back at him. He turned to the woman that was with him. She looked pretty young and her features resembled Josh's. "Sara, can you, uh, give us a minute?"

"Yeah, sure!" She got up from her chair quickly and shot me a sad smile before leaving the room, closing the door behind her.

Josh looked back at me. "You didn't have to come."

"But I wanted to!"

He didn't look so convinced. "Listen, I know you probably felt like you had an obligation towards me or something, but you don't. It's totally cool. You can… leave if you want."

I wanted to slap my forehead. He really was blind, wasn't he? "But Josh, I don't WANT to leave! I don't feel like I have any "obligation" towards you! Actually, I think YOU're the one who wants me to leave. I know you didn't want me to come!" His head snapped up. Oh man, I probably shouldn't have said that.

"How did you know?" he asked slowly.

"I just…" Crap. "Your mom called and told me."

He groaned. "Shit! I can't tell her ANYTHING, can I!? Not without YOU knowing!"

The hate in his eyes made me want to break down in sobs. "Why do you hate me so much?" It was barely a whisper. For a second I thought he hadn't even heard my question, but then he shook his head.

"I dunno. You're just like all of them. You keep throwing all this bullshit at me thinking I'm stupid enough to believe it. "Oh Josh, you're beautiful! Oh Josh, you're incredible!" and then you just… talk behind my back with my own mother! Like you're some kind of therapist! Actually, you're worse than all of them. Because most people just stop at judging me and calling me crazy. They don't actually LIE to me and act all perfect and fucking helpful! And all this why? Out of pity? Because it makes you feel proud of yourself? Because I'm just a poor little fat guy and you wanna help the miserable idiots of this world? Why?" He scoffed. "You think you're helping me, Hayley? Well think again!"

Every word he threw at me was like a knife. For a second I was frozen, unable to move or even breathe. And then I took a deep breath. "Josh… you got it all wrong."

"Of course I did!" He snapped sarcastically.

"No! Listen! All that stuff I said about you… it's true. I mean it. You really ARE incredible, Josh." He rolled his eyes. "Please, just—"

"Shut the fuck up, will you? I'm fucking sick of this, Hayley! Can't you see that you're just making everything worse!?"

Anger suddenly started boiling up inside me. He was really starting to piss me off. The next time I spoke, it was in a completely different tone than before. "So what do you want me to do, Josh? You want me to tell you that you're ugly? You want me to say that you're just a big fricking idiot? Fine! You're a stupid, selfish, gutless, FAT moron who doesn't have any friends or any future, and maybe you should just fucking kill yourself!"

He stared at me in shock. The best thing he could find to say was, "You just said 'fuck.'" It was only a murmur. An excuse so he wouldn't have to say anything else. He didn't. He only looked away. His face suddenly filled with confusion and sorrow.

"That's not really better, is it?" I whispered.

He pressed his lips into a thin line and shook his head. "I dunno what to think anymore, Hayles…"

It warmed my heart that he called me "Hayles" again. "Then don't think," I said. "Stop being so sure you know exactly what everybody thinks about you. Because honestly, I think the only one who actually believes all that terrible stuff is you."

He seemed to ponder that for a minute. Finally, he nodded unsurely and sighed. "I'm fucking crazy." He snickered.

I smiled. "That, you are." And that's when I noticed the bandage around his wrist. The needle in his arm, slowly filling his veins with a transparent liquid—whatever that was—to make up for the lost blood, probably. That's when I finally noticed how pale he was—even more than usual. I walked over to his bed and sat next to him. He didn't budge. "You really did try to kill yourself, didn't you?" He knew that I already knew the answer. "Why?" I asked then.

He sighed. "Everybody asks me that." For a second I thought he would avoid the question, but then he said, "You wanna know why, Hayley? I'll tell you why. Because everybody's been playing with me like I was some kind of worthless object they could just throw around. I've been forced out of my home, lied to and convinced I'm crazy; I've been labeled with words like "bulimic" and "insomniatic" when all I want is to be normal and… and thin! Doesn't everyone want that? What's so different about me?" Something told me he already knew the answer to that. He looked really sad all of a sudden. "I'm sorry I did this," he muttered.

"Are you really?"

His face twisted in confusion again. "I don't know." Wow, I was really asking the hardest questions.

"It's ok." I laid a hesitant hand on his and gave it a soft squeeze. "You don't have to know right now."

He took a deep breath. The next thing he said took me completely by surprise. "I know about you and Jack." His voice broke when he said Jack's name. Wait, what?

And then it hit me. Oh my god. He had seen us kissing. Me and Jack. Acting like total idiots. I suddenly felt like laughing hysterically. What happened with Jack had been the most ridiculous moment of my life. Well, almost. But Josh had seen it in a completely different angle. And Josh was hurting over it. As sick as it was, I was actually kind of happy about that. I mean, not like HAPPY happy, but happy because he actually cared.

I didn't know if he loved me, but I knew that he didn't want me to love someone else. It was a start.

"Me and Jack?" I repeated, acting confused.

He scoffed. "Don't tell me that's just me being crazy AGAIN."

Oh my, how would I explain THAT to him? "Heh, well… actually, it is."

Josh's POV

WHAT? So what was she saying, that nothing had happened!? Well maybe I was crazy to think that everyone was always lying to me, but I wasn't crazy when I said that THIS was a lie. "Hayley, I saw you," I informed her, trying to keep my cool.

She didn't react. I thought that would make her realise that lying to me would be useless, but instead she insisted. "No… No, that wasn't what it looked like—"

"For fuck's sake Hayley, listen to yourself! I'm not fucking retarded! I know what it means when two people are making out in the fucking hallway!" I realised my hand was still under hers. I pulled it away and shot her a venomous glare.

She seemed at a loss for words. Obviously. She was probably making up some complicated excuse to explain what I had witnessed. Judging by her expression, it probably involved aliens. "Ok, listen. I know this sounds really far-fetched," Just like I expected. "But the only reason I kissed Jack was so that I would know if I love…" I raised my eyebrows. I could tell what came next. "… you," she finished.

Well, it didn't involve aliens, but it still made absolutely no sense. "Riiight… Well that's perfectly logical! I'm madly in love with Josh so I'll just go around kissing other people in his absence!"

"Ugh, stop twisting my words!" She looked like she didn't want to get angry but was completely failing. She took a deep breath and passed her fingers through her shiny brown hair desperately. "It's hard to explain, ok?" Uhuh. "And it was really stupid." Right. "But it didn't mean absolutely anything! Go ahead and ask Jack!" In your dreams. I was never talking to that asshole again.

But why? Why did she insist so much? I mean, if she thought she was better off with him—and I totally agreed—it was fine. I didn't care.

…

Well, maybe I cared a little. A lot. But fuck, what did it matter? I just wished she would stop lying. It hurt more than everything else.

"Look, I'm sorry," she said. "For everything. But I want you to know that I never, ever lied to you, Josh." I didn't know what to say. Was this all just a big masquerade? Because if it was, she was really pushing it.

What if… What if she was actually telling the truth?

But no. That was even more unlikely.

I'd had enough. It was time to end the bullshit, even if just saying those words seemed harder than lifting a mountain. "Listen, Hayles… I don't want to do this any more than you do…" I took a deep breath. This was gonna be tough. "But I think we should just stop talking to each other. I mean, I'm bad for you, you're bad for me… I'm sorry, but you ARE bad for me, and…" That wasn't really true. She looked on the verge of tears. I tried to go on, but my voice was losing volume with each word. "And I know you might not agree, but I think we would just both be better off if—"

"Shut up, Josh." If she hadn't interrupted me, my voice would have surely faded away on its own. She huffed. "You're not bad for me."

I didn't want her to convince me though, so I continued with my pathetic arguing. "Yes I am. Look at yourself, you're about to burst into tears! It's not the first time I do this to you." That was true.

There was only one thing I still wanted to tell her. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But I didn't say it.

This was too painful. I wanted her to leave already. I wanted her to disappear. From the world, from my mind, from everywhere. I wished she'd never existed.

No. I wished I'd never existed.

"Josh…" Oh no. "You're such an idiot."

Huh. What? I mean, yeah I was, but why did she suddenly tell me that with that little spark in her eyes and that cunning smile, as if I hadn't just told her we couldn't be friends anymo—

And then, the most incredible thing happened.

Hayley's POV

"Josh… you're such an idiot." I smiled. How could he feel so bad for something he hadn't done? Because Josh was everything but bad for me. Sure, it hurt me to see him like this, broken and full of hate, but I still felt good, just because I was with him. He made me happier than he could ever imagine.

And I didn't know how to prove it to him. It was so frustrating how he never seemed to believe me! And yet I had always been completely honest with him. When I'd told him he was beautiful to me, when I'd told him he was incredible. When I'd told him I loved him, even indirectly… It was all true. But to him, it must've seemed too good to be true, because for some reason he was persuaded it wasn't.

I could only see one more solution to my problem. One thing I could do to finally persuade him. If it worked, all our problems would vanish. He'd realise what he meant to me, and maybe if he felt the same… I smiled again. Oh well, I had nothing to lose.

Josh was staring at me, confused by what I'd just said. God, he was beautiful! His light hair fell freely in his magnificent blue eyes and for a second I was mesmerized by them, only looking away to stare at his full lips, slightly parted, so inviting…

And then I felt as if I wasn't in control of my own body anymore. I leaned towards him, driven by a mad desire, and kissed him like I'd never kissed anyone before. Softly at first, as I waited for him to respond, and then more passionately. He kissed me back with the same sort of urgency, as if he was trying to catch up to all the wasted time.

It was the most beautiful moment of my life. Not almost.

Finally, I broke the kiss to stare back into his eyes. I hoped it had worked. I prayed he believed me now.

He smiled all of a sudden. A wide, beautiful smile, not shadowed by sadness or confusion. Just a pure smile of happiness. "I was hoping you'd give this another shot," he whispered.

I smiled back. He believed me. Finally. I felt so happy all of a sudden that I wanted to jump up and down and yell and sing and cry. But I just sat there, lost in that sea of blue…

He looked down suddenly, and the blue disappeared. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I said before. You're not really bad for me. And I don't want you to leave. Ever. But I feel like…" He looked up at me again. "I feel like I'm hurting you so much and you don't deserve it…" I pressed my forefinger against his lips to shut him up and smiled.

"Josh, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me," I said honestly. "You have nothing to be sorry about."

He didn't look convinced. He stared blankly and guiltily at his lap. "I know you never lied to me," he said as if he were still trying to apologize. "I guess I always knew, but I just didn't want to admit it to myself…" He sighed. "I just don't know anymore."

I pulled his chin up softly and forced him to look me in the eyes again. "All you need to know right now is that I love you. And that… I guess that you love me too." He did right? RIGHT?

After a second he smiled again. "Of course I do, you little freak."

And this time, he kissed me first.


	15. Chapter 15

15

Josh's POV

Despite what I told Hayley, convincing myself that everything I'd justified my suicide attempt with was actually just a big misunderstanding, was not a piece of cake. It was hard to absorb the fact that everyone HADN'T lied to me and that they were all trying to help me—like, actually—when I'd been undoubtedly certain of the opposite. It was like trying to treat paranoia with nothing but happy thoughts and lots of internal monologues. Actually, that was exactly it.

But I was getting there. Slowly. Gradually. The hardest part was obviously convincing myself that I wasn't really fat. But it was just… like staring at the sky and trying to convince myself that it's not blue! In the end though, it didn't matter so much anymore. 'Cause now I had Hayley, and she loved me just the way I was. Or anyway, I liked to think she did.

She was the one pushing me from behind, the one catching me if I stumbled, the one guiding me if I was lost; she was my shield, my white cane, my umbrella—all figuratively, of course. She was the first person I wanted to see when I woke up in the morning and the last thing I thought about before falling asleep—which could take a while, occasionally.

In fact, she was the only good thing in my life. But the best part was that she made everything seem good. Everything I used to hate suddenly didn't seem so bad when I was around her, and when before I would go to food or self-harm for comfort, now I went to her. And she had no side-effects.

"BOO!" she yelled, tackle-hugging me from behind just as I was about to open the lock on my locker. I jumped a little and missed the last number of the combination. Fuck.

"Oh, I'm scared!" I mocked, annoyed by the fact that I had to start all over again.

"Yay!" she squealed and I smiled. Gosh, I would open two hundred locks just to hear that again. I turned to face her and she looked up at me happily. She had to be the shortest human being ever. Like a dwarf, but Smurf version. Obviously, I just HAD to be part-giraffe. It was alright though; at least I could pick her up easily and she was perfectly helpless. Mwahaha!

She stood up on her toes, wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me softly. I lifted her off the ground for a second—mwahaha!—but she started laughing and wiggling so I put her back down.

"You're worse than a hyper five-year-old, Sponge Bob!"

"Don't call me that! Ugh!" She fake-punched my shoulder repetitively while I pretended to shield my face—actually no, I WAS shielding my face. I used my other hand to poke her side and she squealed again.

"Sponge Bob, Sponge Bob, Sponge Bob!" She slapped my hand away anxiously and an idea came to my mind. "POKE ATTACK!" I yelled as she started running off in the other direction, trying to avoid my restless forefingers.

And there we were, playing some silly version of tag all around the school, not caring about everyone staring at us or anyone we ran into. Hayley was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down her face, but she kept running away from me, her short legs moving frantically across the floor. I, for one, had the advantage of very long legs, but I wasn't a particularly fast runner and people seemed to hate me more if I ran into them than Hayley. Obviously, who'd rather get smashed in by a tall oaf than by a happy little tornado?

Still, it was the best morning of my life—just like the morning before and the one before that one and so on—and I never wanted it to be over. But that's ok, because the rest of the day would follow and the rest of the day would be the best rest of the day of my life as well, until the second I had to say goodbye to Hayles, already looking forward to the next morning, which would be the best morning of my life.

And that my friends, is called "happiness."

Hayley's POV

Josh was like no one I'd even known before. He was like… like a sour candy. If you can keep it in your mouth long enough without spitting it out, despite the fact that it tastes like a bunch of needles jabbing into your tongue all at once, you get to the sweet and delicious center and you forget how disgusting it was before.

Josh was kind of like that—well, he wasn't disgusting and he didn't feel like a bunch of needles sticking into my tongue, but still—and I had finally reached his "center." No more lies. No more hiding. No more pain. Sure, we'd been friends before, but never like this.

And it was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I would never let him go. Nothing or no one would ever be able to take him away from me. At least that's what I kept telling myself, until that day.

We were peacefully—yep, peacefully—running around the hallways, pushing people over and laughing like idiots, when all of a sudden the one, the only, Mr. Frogman appears.

Mr. Frogman—aka Mr. Herman the principal—reminded me slightly of a toad, hence the nickname Josh and I had given him, but he had a way of popping out of nowhere that was more worthy of a cat.

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" he ordered in his croaky voice, standing up straight right in front of me. But it was too late. I hit the brakes but my feet slipped on the shiny floor and I ran straight into him, falling on my butt. Gosh, it was like running into a brick wall. A brick wall that can talk and is generally in a bad mood. He looked down at me severely.

I glanced behind me and saw Josh glaring back, his hand covering his mouth. I could tell he was still smiling though. Despite the not-so-good situation I was in, I smiled back. Come to think of it, it was hilarious.

"What's your name, young lady?" Mr. Frogman asked, leaning over me dangerously.

I crawled backwards to get away from him and stumbled to my feet. "Um, Hayley Williams…"

He raised his eyebrows. "Is that so? Well, what a coincidence! I was just about to call you in my office." My smile faded away. "You and I need to talk about something Hayley, something important. Come with me."

I glanced at Josh one last time and shrugged before dragging my feet behind Mr. Frogman, totally confused and completely terrified.

His office was small and messier than my room, which was saying much. A thick layer of dust was covering the untouched parts of his desk and even the air in the room seemed to be made more of dust than anything else. I coughed and glanced at the small, closed window. I wondered for how long it had been closed. Probably since before I was born.

"Take a seat, Miss Williams," he ordered. He sounded just like Count Olaf in A Series of Unfortunate Events. I hoped I wouldn't start discovering eyes scribbled on the walls. "Now, you are aware that the first semester has passed and that soon you will all receive your report cards." It was a statement. He didn't seem to have a doubt.

And suddenly, I knew exactly what this was about. "I failed something, didn't I?" I guessed glumly. "Was it math?" That was most likely.

He cleared his throat. "Actually, Miss Williams, you failed almost half your classes." I felt my eyes widen. What!? "Now, I know you've been working very hard, Hayley," Oh, so I was "Hayley" now? "but I have talked to your mother, and we have both agreed it would be better if you were homeschooled starting now." My expression must've scared him because he rectified, "Well, not NOW in this very second, but two weeks from now."

Two weeks. Two more weeks of school. That was it. That was all.

Two more weeks of Josh.

Life hated me.


	16. Chapter 16

16

Josh's POV

Hayley didn't say a word about her trip to the principal's office, shrugging off the subject as if it was unimportant. But I could tell it was everything but unimportant. I didn't push her though, because I knew what it was like to have a secret choked out of you when you most needed to be alone with your thoughts, and it sucked. So I let it go. Oh well.

"There's your bus," Hayley announced, pointing one of the big orange bricks-on-wheels waiting in the endless line.

"How can you even tell that's it? They're all fucking identical!"

She shot me a witty glance. "I sense in. One day, if you have faith in the Force, you shall too, young Padawan." Wow, that sounded like something I would say.

I rolled my eyes and gave her a gentle push. Well, gentle enough. "No seriously, HOW?" I insisted.

"Don't push me!" To take vengeance, she shoved me with all her strength and I stumbled, laughing. "It's written on the side of the bus, you idiot! The number!"

"Oooohhh… Right, I knew that. I was just testing you." Yep, the numbers were there. They were still a bit far though. She had good eyes.

Soon, they were close enough for me to distinguish them too. Forty-five, my bus, and twenty-eight, hers, just a few metres further. So close, but heading in opposite directions. If Hayley lived in a corner of the city, I lived in the opposite corner, in the farthest house of the farthest street of the farthest neighbourhood.

Ok, so I know I tend to exaggerate, but I still had a point. I had never been to her house and she's never been to mine. And to be honest it was a really shitty situation, thank you very much.

We had reached the buses now. A thick and noisy crowd was swarming around them. Friends saying goodbye, couples pulling apart their intertwined fingers… Wow, I felt like we were all walking to our death and not just going home at the end of the day.

"Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then…" Hayley muttered sadly, giving me one last hug and one last little kiss before waving goodbye and heading towards the crowd. As soon as she vanished from my sight, I felt that familiar emptiness creeping back in the depths of my chest. I ignored it and climbed into my own bus half-heartedly.

I soon as I walked through the front door of my house, I was greeted by my sister's wide smile. Which sister? The annoying one. "Hey, Joshie! How's the hanky panky going?"

I groaned. "None of your business."

"What?" Sara faked shock. "Don't tell me you're still a virgin!"

I flushed. "Shut up, will you!?"

She laughed and ruffled my hair as I quickly walked past her without another glance. Just before I slammed the door to my room behind me, I heard her call me. "Dad said he wants to talk to us later, by the way! Sounded important!"

"Whatever!" If it sounded important, than it most likely wasn't. Probably some new song he'd recorded for someone that nobody had ever heard of.

I'd only been to his new studio a couple of times since we'd moved, but that was only 'cause he never had time for me—that's how he put it, anyway—because if things had gone my way I'd be spending hours in there every day. I felt like I was really missing out on something.

That studio was rad. Really small, much smaller than the one he had back home, but that kind of made it warmer and more welcoming. Last time I'd seen it, it had been a mess—but a happy mess. Lots of instruments and equipment lying around randomly, surrounded by coffee cups and old Subway wrapping paper and some underwear. Oh yeah, did I mention my dad was practically living there?

It was strange really, he hadn't always been so busy. He used to have time for me back home. He'd often bring me to the old studio—the one that actually looked like a studio—and show me stuff, and I would happily listen and learn. He used to spend more time home too, and my mom used to look less tense—not like now when she looked like she was expecting the world to end any second.

But maybe my mom had been right to prepare herself for the apocalypse. Because believe it or not, it came. And hell, how I wished I'd seen it coming too.

It all started with dad calling us all in the living room to make his "important announcement," which in the end, turned out to be pretty important after all.

He began with this long speech about success and failure and lots of philosophic bullshit, followed by the admitting of the fact that he was not exactly in the "successful" phase right now and that we might have to—

Fuck.

We. Might. Have. To. Move. Back. Home.

That's right, he said "home." As in Vancouver. As in not-where-Hayley-was.

He then apologized profusely for making this "terrible mistake" which was moving, called it "reckless" and "crazy" and I don't even know what because I wasn't really listening anymore by then.

All I could think was… holy shit. Somebody please just kill me now.

Hayley's POV

I stared out the window of my bus tiredly, watching the raindrops slide down the window like little creatures racing to the bottom.

I hated keeping this fricking secret. I hated keeping any secret, as a matter of fact, especially from Josh. But how could I break it up to him that I most likely wouldn't see him again in two weeks? I wanted to cry. Hard. I had begged my mom to reconsider, sworn that I would work harder and that my grades would improve, but she wouldn't hear it. The only words coming out of her mouth were "no" and "homeschooled." Oh and "responsibility" and "I'm trying to help you." She repeated that about twenty times. Yes, I know you're trying to help me, and I know it might actually work, but I couldn't leave school! No, let me rephrase that. I couldn't leave Josh!

Obviously, I couldn't really tell her that that was the reason I had changed my mind when it came to homeschool—because she didn't understand how I had gone from praying for it to shuddering just at the thought of it, which was perfectly understandable. So all I could say was "But… but…"

Of course, my mom's stupid boyfriend had then appeared out of nowhere to suddenly pretend he cared about my education, which pissed me off more than imaginable. I longed for my dad. I knew he would take my side, like he always did. But he was somewhere in California now, which felt like a different planet.

Anyway, I had lost the argument, obviously, and now all I wanted was to do was hide in a hole and cry my eyes out. The last thing I wanted to do was tell Josh. I felt like, if I didn't tell him, I could still pretend that it all wasn't real—just a little longer. But most of all I didn't want to hurt him. Because I knew that this wasn't something he could just shrug off.

Unfortunately, I knew I couldn't hide it forever. It was only fair to tell him. Maybe he would find a way to cheer me up after all, like he always did.

I realised the bus had stopped. We had finally arrived at school. I couldn't believe I would miss this feeling.

I took a deep breath and got off.


	17. Chapter 17

17

Josh's POV

The first person I talked to the next day was not Hayley. Weird? Oh yeah. In fact, it was so unusual that even HE couldn't believe it.

"Yo, Ramsay!" Jack greeted enthusiastically, his smile in contrast with my everlasting frown. "What the hell are you doing here so early…? Aren't you supposed to be making out with your girlfriend by now?" He checked his watch to emphasize his words.

"Yeah, I'm supposed to… But I think I'm gonna break the rules just this once. I need your help, man."

He raised his eyebrows. "MY help? But what could I possibly do that you can't? You know, last time Hayley asked me to help her, I only made things worse between you guys."

I groaned, annoyed. "Listen, instead of trying to explain how much you can't help me, maybe you should just listen to me."

"Alright, alright!" He raised his hands innocently. "I'm listening."

I took a deep breath. It was better to keep my cool for now. Actually, it was better to keep my cool forever. "I'm moving back to Canada, man," I stated bluntly.

"YOU'RE MOVING BA—" I covered his mouth with my hand before he could finish.

"Shut up! I'd like it if the whole school didn't find out right now!"

"Sorry," he muttered from under my hand. I sighed and let it fall back to my side.

"I don't know how to tell Hayley," I continued.

"Oh no," he said before I could say anything else. "You don't want me to tell her instead, do you? Because I'm not doing that. Uh, uh. Forget it. I'd rather dance around the school in a pink dress singing 'I Will Survive'."

I chuckled. "I'd like to see that! But I'm not asking you to tell her, I just want you…" Ugh, this was too emotional for me. "I just want you to be there for her when I won't, ok?" The last words were only a whisper. I was ashamed to admit it to myself, but my eyes were watering again and a painful knot was hanging in my throat.

Jack had put on a serious expression. He nodded solemnly. "Yeah, I can do that." After a second, he added, "I'm sorry, man. It's a real shame."

"Yeah." It was all I could say without bursting in tears. I left quickly and headed towards Hayley's locker. I had my speech ready. I just hoped her reaction wouldn't be TOO wet or I would start crying too, and I wasn't planning on doing that in a crowded public building.

Pretty soon, she came into sight. I waved at her, but she wasn't looking at me. She was looking down sadly, leaning on her closed locker with crossed arms. Weird. I walked up to her cautiously but as soon as she saw me, she turned her back to me quickly without another glance. What the fuck? Well, of all the scenarios I'd come up with the previous night, this wasn't one of them. I hadn't expected her to ALREADY be in a bad mood before I even talked to her.

I was only a few feet away from her now. She was still standing motionless with her back to me, hugging herself. I didn't dare touch her. "Hayles?" She didn't respond. "What's wrong?" I couldn't take this anymore. My vision was dangerously blurry.

Suddenly, she started shaking slightly. Oh no. I sucked at comforting people. I just wanted to stand there and cry with her.

But I didn't understand! What was wrong with her? I finally pushed myself forward and wrapped my arms around her tiny waist, resting my head of her shoulder. Woo, it was a long way down! Not funny. I kissed her wet cheek, glad that she didn't push me away, and tried to keep my own tears from flowing. Tried.

"What's wrong, Hayles?" I whispered again. At first she didn't respond, and then she spun around in my arms abruptly and hugged me tightly. Very tightly. Ouch.

"I'm so sorry, Josh!" she mumbled against my shoulder. What? Why was SHE sorry? I rubbed her back slowly, completely confused. Finally, she pushed me away gently and wiped her eyes and nose. "I'm sorry," she said again. She sniffled and let out a rough laugh. "You must be so confused." You bet. She sighed. "Where do I start? You know when I went to the principal's office yesterday?" I nodded. Oh… so that's what it was about. "He called me because…" She paused. "… because…"

Because what!? I took her hands and squeezed them encouragingly. "Take your time, Hayles." No, Hayles, don't take your time. Just tell me already!

"Because I failed half my classes!" she finally blurted out. Oh. Aw, well that sucked. I was glad that was it though, at least nobody had died! "But that's not all," Hayley warned in front of my relieved expression. Uh oh. "My mom and the principal both agreed I should be homeschooled starting… starting two weeks from now!" And she was in tears again, shaken by a new wave of violent sobs.

It took a second for her words to sink in. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to react. Two weeks… No, it couldn't be. I had already forced myself to get used to the idea that I would probably never see her again in a few months, but not two weeks! I couldn't… It just wasn't…

"I'm so stupid!" Hayley yelled between two sobs. I looked down at her sadly and took her in my arms again.

"No, you're not," I said honestly. She truly wasn't. I didn't understand how she could possibly have failed anything. I felt like a selfish idiot. I should've helped her, not distract her with my stupid problems. Somehow, I managed to convince myself that this was all my fault. I hated myself.

Hayley's POV

I hated myself. I was the most stupid person in the world. I had ruined everything. EVERYTHING. I couldn't stop those stupid sobs from shaking me. It was almost painful. Josh held me patiently, pressing his lips against the top of my head. I loved that, the feeling of his warm arms around me, the sound of his heartbeat under my ear…

I felt better all of a sudden. The sobs dimmed and I could almost breathe normally again. I wanted to stay there forever. I never wanted him to let go of me.

"Better?" he asked softly.

I nodded half-heartedly, knowing he would most likely interrupt the hug now. But he didn't. He didn't move, hugging me almost desperately. Which was understandable, considering our seconds were being counted.

"I'm sorry," I said yet again. I wanted it to make me feel less guilty, maybe just a LITTLE less, but it didn't work. I felt terrible before I said it and I felt just as terrible after I said it.

"It's ok," Josh said, finally letting go of me to look me in the eyes. "It's not your fault." Of course he would say that. But he was wrong. It WAS my fault.

I looked down. "Yes it—"

"Oh, shut up, Sponge Bob," he interrupted. I smiled a little and looked back up at him. He was smiling, but a stray tear was rolling down his cheek. He wiped it off quickly—almost shamefully—and cleared his throat. "Um… there was something I wanted to tell you as well." Oh, yay! Anything to get my mind off the problem that was tugging at my mind since the previous morning. He hesitated, looking very ill at ease. "It's just that uh… Heh." Yes…? "Well, actually, it's not important. Nevermind."

I frowned. "Aw, come on, Joshie! Tell me!"

He avoided my insistent stare. "Nah, it's nothing, really!" It was definitely not nothing. I could tell.

"No it's not! Are you scared I'll be upset?" He bit his lip. Bingo.

"I shouldn't have said anything," he muttered. "Shit." The stupid bell chose just that moment to ring, and Josh took it as an excuse to leave without explaining. He hugged me one last time but I didn't hug him back, crossing my arms angrily.

As soon as he was gone though, I regretted it. I shouldn't be angry. Not now. I should enjoy every single moment I spent with him, because I wouldn't have many. I felt like crying again. Now that he was gone, I felt so alone, so lost…

Oh man, what would I do when he would be gone for good?


	18. Chapter 18

18

Hayley's POV

The two following weeks, I studied harder than I ever studied in my life, hoping it might change my mother's mind. But it didn't. Besides, it was just the beginning of the second semester, so there were no big exams or anything I could prove myself with.

I spent every minute I wasn't in class with Josh, tasting every second. The more time passed, the more I realised just how much I loved him. Which wasn't exactly a good thing.

But I couldn't bring myself to be sad when he was there. It was like nothing had happened. I almost managed to forget the worry scratching at my brain, but as soon as I left his side, I remembered.

Finally, the second Friday arrived, and my mother made sure to remind me, as well as my little sister Erica who did everything in her power to annoy me.

That morning she stormed into my room while I was still in bed, yelling, "Last day of school, Hayley! Last day of schoool!" I groaned. She didn't know that hurt me more than it annoyed me, and I wasn't gonna tell her either. "You're so lucky," she muttered, climbing into my bed. Well, I would have happily traded my school status with hers.

"No, I'm not," I denied sleepily.

"Yes, you are! You don't have to go to school anymore! You'll always be at home! You don't have to wake up early in morning or have stupid teachers tell you what to do all the time…" Wow, she actually had a point.

… Hey, that WAS true! I smiled as I finally remembered why I had looked forward to this so much before knowing Josh. But my smile vanished at the thought of him. No, it vanished at the thought of NOT seeing him again.

I pushed the horrid thought away and finally decided on getting up. Well, that was something I wouldn't miss.

When I got to school, I ran to Josh's locker without even stopping at mine. When I arrived, I realised he wasn't there. Crap. Where else could he be?

But of course! I doubled back towards my own locker and got there in a record of thirty-two seconds. He was there, waiting patiently for me, a smile plastered on his face.

"Josh!" His head snapped up and his smile widened. I half jumped in his arms like a desperate newly-wed and he spun me around while I screamed like an idiot. Finally, he put me down and I laughed dizzily. Woah, the whole world was spinning around me. Josh caught me before I could fall over and only then did I realise I had been falling. "You ok?" he asked, laughing.

"Yep, perfect!" I sounded drunk. I just couldn't stop laughing and neither could he. Pretty soon, we were both doubled over in hysterics, tears flowing from our eyes. I couldn't even remember why. Oh wait, there was no reason.

And suddenly, I didn't feel like laughing anymore. At all. Instead, my tears became tears of sadness and I started sobbing like a baby. Josh calmed down and pulled me into a tight hug. I didn't have to explain my reaction to him. "Hey… Shush now, it's ok," he whispered.

It's ok. It's ok. I repeated it in my head, trying to absorb it.

But it wasn't ok.

Josh's POV

I hadn't told Hayley about my moving back to Canada. She'd forgotten my awkward attempt by the time I saw her again that day, and I figured it didn't really matter anymore. Besides, I didn't want to make her even sadder than she already was.

Instead, I settled on pushing the thought of her leaving away from my mind and just enjoying every second I spent with her. And it actually turned out to be not-so-hard. I could be myself around her—which was rare, trust me—and it was enough to distract me. We just goofed around for hours, occasionally making out under the staircase, and it was perfect. I felt no need to obsess over the fact that it would soon be over.

But now it was different. It was the last day, OUR last day together, and I couldn't think about anything else. I decided on making it the best day we'd ever had—the bar was set very high indeed—so I started with a smile and some spinning Hayley around in my arms, followed by a bit of hysterical laughter. Unfortunately, Hayley's female hormones took over and she started sobbing, and then I had to hug her again and be strong when all I wanted was to curl up on myself and bawl my eyes out.

The rest of the day went by smoothly though. At lunch we went for a walk and talked about things we'd never talked about before. Serious things. Haha, just kidding, it wasn't serious at all. But it was still deep, since we talked about our families and our past… I realised how stupid it was that I learned more about Hayley on the last day I could spend with her than I had in all the previous days.

At some point in that conversation, we realised we were late for school so we retraced our steps in a sprint, panting like dogs in the desert at our arrival. Of course, we started laughing like idiots and dragged our feet from there, so the trip to our lockers took longer than running back to the school. After that, we made out a little in between math and Spanish—probably the class I failed at most since I'd never learned Spanish before—and finished, ironically enough, in chemistry.

I kept finding excuses to talk to Hayley during lab, and at some point Jack and I exchanged places without the teacher even noticing. It was absolutely hilarious. That is, of course, until my stupid partner—a snobby little rich girl who put more makeup on than Ronald McDonald—tattled on us and I had to say goodbye to Hayley YET AGAIN.

And then finally, the class was over, and I was overwhelmed by a sudden sharp feeling of panic. Was this really it? The last time I would see Hayley? Holy frankenfuck.

I followed her to her locker first, where she shoved the last few binders in her huge plastic bag without a word. Then, we both dragged our feet to my own locker. I couldn't bear to open it though. I felt like I was just working my way to the moment when we'd have to say goodbye, and it made me sick. Instead, I threw my stuff on the ground where it fell with a deafening noise—it fell a really long way since I was the equivalent of a ten-story building—and faced Hayley. I gripped her shoulders with a sudden urgency and stared into her beautiful green eyes. She was crying again. This time, I didn't care if I cried too.

There was still so much I wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her how much she meant to me, how lost I would be without her, how I would think about her every second of my life and how I would never forget her. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her. But all I could say was, "Hayles…"

It was enough to make her burst into tears. I pulled her close for the hundredth time, but she pushed me away. "We don't have much time," she said solemnly. Then, she brushed my loose bangs out of my eyes and stroked my cheek gently. The touch sent shivers of pleasure down my spine and I could feel the goosebumps creeping to my arms. Not to mention the butterflies wrestling in my stomach. It was like a zoo.

I bent down to kiss her one last time but gave up in the last second. Would this really help, or would it just make it harder to say goodbye to her? Instead, I kissed her cheek softly and pulled away from her disappointed expression.

"That's it?" she asked in a voice thick with tears.

I smiled sadly. "I'm not keen on the idea of long-distance relationships. So… I'm breaking up with you."

She snickered. "You moron." Before I could stop her, she stood up on her toes and stretched her neck to lay a little kiss on my lips, and before I knew it I was kissing her back, not giving a fuck about anything else. All that mattered were our lips moving in synch, our tongues tangling together, her hands gripping my hair while mine gripped her waist to pull her closer, her soft moans…

And then, for some unexplained reason, she pulled back reluctantly and shook her head in shame. I still felt dizzy from the kiss as she looked up at me, a whole new wave of tears flowing down her cheeks. "I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry." She bit her lip. "Goodbye, Josh."

Before I could stop her, she pushed her way past me and walked down the hallway quickly, as if she wanted to get away as fast as possible. "Hayley!" I yelled after her. She ignored me. "Wait, Hayles!" I started jogging after her but gave up. It was useless. She had almost reached the door.

She pulled on it violently and it swung open with a screeching noise. Before crossing it though, she turned to me one last time, this time with a perfectly blank expression.

"I love you," I mouthed.

She pursed her lips and closed the door behind her without a word. In that second, I felt like I was being swallowed by a huge black hole. It had been waiting for me. And I knew exactly what was on the other side.

Bathrooms and razors. The me before Hayley. In other words, hell.


	19. Chapter 19

19

Hayley's POV

I remembered now why I had begged to be homeschooled for so long. Constantly staying at home, being taught things by my mom and my private teacher and actually LEARNING stuff was awesome. They were both surprised to find out that I wasn't really some dumb retard and that I could actually learn if it wasn't in a classroom full of people led by a boring teacher. I guess I just had trouble paying attention. A LOT of trouble. But being the only student changed things considerably. I had no choice but to pay attention and it turned out to be a lot easier than I thought it was. I even found some sort of fascination in learning new things, something I had never felt before.

Erica was so jealous it was hilarious. She stuck her tongue out at me much more often than usual, which was saying much, and she kept insisting that going to school was better because blah, blah, a bunch of nonsense… But I knew she didn't really believe her own words. She was upset, but I told her that she was way smarter than me and that she belonged in society, with everyone else, and I just didn't. "So, you're an alien?" she asked.

I laughed. "I am, but you're just a little monster!" I started tickling her then and it all ended with a pillow fight and our mom telling us to keep it down.

I was happy. It even made me happy to actually have something to be happy about!

In fact, I almost managed, in my constant happiness and fulfilment, to forget Josh. Almost. But every night, he invaded my dreams, and I woke up each morning with a knot of disappointment in my stomach and a huge need to cry, which luckily dimmed quickly and vanished almost instantly. But it was still there.

I couldn't bring myself to accept the fact that I would most likely never see him again. I kept hoping he'd appear out of nowhere and never leave. And I was scared of reaching the dreaded conclusion that he wouldn't, because I knew that losing all hope would break me down and plunge me in a state of zombie-ness I might never escape from.

So I kept hoping blindly, praying for some miracle I knew deep down would never come. Every night, I tried my best to remember our talks, our laughs, our hugs and our kisses, but it became dimmer and dimmer until I felt like it had all just been a dream. At some point, I stopped to wonder if Josh Ramsay even existed. Or was I just crazy?

But I knew he did. And I knew, though I tried to forget it, that he thought about me too. And I just gripped that hope…

I was hit by a sudden realisation and I felt so stupid that I hadn't thought about it before. I ran to my cellphone and scrolled through my pictures until I found what I was looking for. It was right there. I couldn't help but smile as I remembered that time when Josh and I had climbed all the way to the roof of the school—something I would have never DREAMED of doing on my own—and we'd messed around until the janitor had stumbled upon us and sent us both to Mr. Frogman's office.

Still, I'd had time to take a hundred pictures of the—terrible—view from up there, and one of them, just one, was of us. We were caught in the perfect kiss, worthy of Hollywood—except for the fact that I was half-concentrated on taking the picture—with that ugly view of the city behind us.

It was so beautiful that my eyes welled up with tears and my hands starting shaking up to the point where I couldn't even see the picture anymore. It was too much. I couldn't keep lingering in the past like this. What was I even hoping for? That he'd come to my house when he didn't even know where I lived? That we could still be together even if our lives were completely separate now? Yes, that was exactly what I was hoping for. But it was too complicated. It was impossible. It was over. He was gone.

He'd probably forgotten me anyways. Reluctantly, I tried to stop my hand from shaking just long enough to delete the picture. And as it disappeared from the screen, I felt a part of me vanishing from my chest, leaving a painful hole behind.

That's when I knew that I had truly lost all hope.

Josh's POV

I had forgotten how much I hated my life before I knew Hayley. No worries though, I was quickly reminded.

The first few nights, I didn't sleep at all. I didn't even want to sleep. I almost felt like I didn't deserve it. Of course, during the day I could barely focus on putting one foot in front of the other, and all the teachers had to wake me several times during their lame-ass classes. I think I was even sent to the principal's office at some point, but I must've been sleep-walking 'cause I couldn't remember a thing.

During lunch, I refused Jack's very generous but slightly harassing invitations to sit with me. I wanted to be alone. Always. Besides, I didn't want him to lecture me on the fact that I barely ate anything. It wasn't like I was starving myself. After school, or whenever no one was looking, I was stuffing myself like a fucking pillow, only to later donate it all to the rats in the sewers. Well, maybe I WAS starving myself, in a way. But I didn't care. I didn't fucking care about anything.

I just wanted to die. I had no idea why I didn't just end it all then and there. Maybe because I was hoping that when I got home I would see my old friends again. Well, my old FRIEND, since I only had one that I could truly hope hadn't forgotten my existence. Maybe Matt would help me, like he used to… But maybe he was better off without me. He didn't need to worry about me anymore.

Still though, even if I'd almost enjoyed my first near-death experience, I didn't want to go through it again. Pure fear, I guess.

Or maybe… maybe it had nothing to do with fear. Maybe it had nothing to do with Matt either. Maybe the reason I didn't just give up was hope… Blind hope that I would see her again. Maybe just once before I left…

And I knew that I could. After all, even if we lived in a big fucking city and I had no idea what her address was, we still lived within two hundred square kilometres of each other, right?

Seriously, how the fuck did I not have her phone number? Oh, maybe that was because I didn't have a phone, and she only used hers to call her mom and take pictures.

But then how the fuck did I not know where she lived? How the fuck had we not thought about this essential thing!? Maybe we'd deliberately but unconsciously avoided that exchange, since a relationship based mostly on phone calls and an occasional two-hour visit was just too painful. Yeah, that made sense.

But this! This was even more painful. This was unbearable. I needed to see her again. I needed it more that I needed to breathe. I knew that it wouldn't help though. I knew that, if I saw her now, we'd have to say goodbye once again, and I'd already been through that and had no intention to do it again. I knew that it wouldn't help. At all.

But as I stared at my locker that day after school, I realised that I didn't care. I didn't care that I didn't know where she lived or that I had practically no way of finding out. I didn't care about what her reaction would be if she saw me. I didn't care about what happened afterwards.

I made a split-second decision. I wouldn't go to choir today.

I would go to Hayley.


	20. Chapter 20

20

Josh's POV

Hayley had once vaguely pointed the direction toward her house to me.

That was pretty much the only lead I had. I actually wasn't even sure if she'd been right.

But I was in a state of utter and unconditional confidence. I didn't care that I had no idea where Hayley lived or how to get there. All I knew is that I would get there. One way or another.

First, I went to my mom's teachers' room and rummaged through her purse until I found her wallet. I ignored the guilt building up inside me and stole a twenty-dollar bill, stuffing it in my pocket. I promised myself I'd pay her back later and headed out.

I took off in the precise direction Hayley's finger had pointed at a quick pace, ready to face storms and dragons, anything to reach her. I walked that way for about ten minutes, ignoring the big gray worn out buildings that surrounded me and looked about ready to collapse or the depressing lack of traffic.

And then, out of nowhere, a drop of lucidity managed to pass through my thick wall of blind hope and recklessness and I halted despite myself in between two steps.

What the fuck was I doing?

"You look lost kid," a deep voice suddenly declared. I searched for the speaker, but all I saw was a poor old homeless guy lying on the sidewalk next to a big shiny Labrador. Typical.

"Excuse me?" Despite the snobby-ass tone of my voice, I was kind of scared all of a sudden.

The man laughed, displaying a lovely set of old yellow teeth. Well, the ones that were still there. He was wearing round little black glasses, the kind blind people wear, but something told me he wasn't blind. I could almost feel his piercing gaze on me, and I had to fight the urge to run away screaming.

"You heard me," he said, still chuckling. "Where were ya goin' like that, all brave like some kind of hero? And why'd ya stop if you're so confident?"

Well, this was none of his fucking business. I considered telling him just that, but then I wasn't planning on being mugged just yet. "I, uh… I'm visiting someone," I finally stated.

He laughed again. Sheesh, wasn't I funny. "Why ya stammering like that? C'mon, don't be scared, kid. I ain't gonna eat ya." I wasn't so sure about that. "How 'bout I help ya find that girl of yours?"

What? Well now, I was definitely freaked out. "I never said it was a girl."

"But it is, ain't it? And ya can't remember where she lives…" He guessed like a fucking psychic. He went into an exaggerated fit of laughter then, and my fear was slowly replaced by annoyance. Who the hell did this guy think he was? "I tell you what," he said in between two laughs. "Imma help you find her."

I shook my head quickly. "I don't need your help."

He raised his eyebrows. They came up from behind his little round glasses in an almost comical way. But of course, I wasn't about to start laughing like an idiot for no reason—like him. "Oh yeah, ya do," he insisted. "I'm not asking for anythin'. Just wanna help."

I clenched my fists in thought. Well, I had nothing to lose, so why not? Besides, it wasn't like I was making any progress on my own. "Fine. But how could you possibly help?"

"Where does she live? I can give ya some directions."

Even if I'd known, I wouldn't have told him. "Well, that's the problem. I don't know." Ugh. How embarrassing. I was even embarrassed to admit it in front of some homeless dude.

He smiled at first, and then the laughter took over again and he nodded, pointing me meaningfully. "Now THAT's a problem ya got there!" You don't say. "Ever heard of the Yellow Pages?"

Wow. Why hadn't I thought of that? "Sure," I said, not wanting to reveal that I hadn't even been smart enough to think of that myself. "But where could I find one?"

"Well, there's one in almost e'ery public phone booth… But if ya want you can borrow mine." He reached into the cardboard box he was leaning on and took out a worn yellowish book. "I been usin' some pages to write stuff and light fires… Yeah, I can write," he added meaningfully, "but I think you can still find watch'ya lookin' for." He stretched his arm toward me and handed me the book.

I took it wearily and quickly started scrolling through the pages, while in my mind I tried remembering Hayley's mom's name. C… Cindy… Chrissie… Cristi! Cristi Williams, that was it.

I found it in no time. It was right there. Cristi Williams, 9079 Lake Road. Well shit.

"Found it?" asked the old man.

I nodded slowly and gave him back his book. "Yeah, heh… Thank you." I meant it. I'd never thought I'd find Hayley like this. In the end, I actually kind of liked this guy.

I eyed the old dirty hat lying upside down next to him, in which a bunch of pennies and quarters had been thrown. I wished I'd had some money on me apart from that twenty-dollar bill. I didn't really feel ready to give him that much, and something told me I would need it afterwards.

But then, I couldn't just leave. And that's when I noticed the man wasn't wearing any shoes. It was mid-November now and the air was getting frisky, and all he had to warm up his feet were a pair of socks with lots of holes in them.

And somehow, a crazy idea came to me. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe I wasn't thinking. Either way, I bent down and untied my own shoes in front of the guy's bewildered gaze. I took them off and handed them to him. "They're yours," I said.

He laughed and waved his hand through the air. "I appreciate it kid, but don't ya think you're gonna need 'em?"

I shrugged. "I've got others."

His smile vanished then, and he looked very touched all of a sudden. He slowly took off his glasses to reveal a pair of warm brown eyes, staring at me with such intensity I could barely look away. He almost hypnotized me. "Thank you, son," he said then, taking the shoes from my extended arm just as it was going numb from the effort. "God bless ya," he added.

Then, he reached into his hat and took out a quarter, He flipped it between his fingers and threw it to me. "Find a payphone and call yourself a cab. I hope that girl of yours knows how lucky she is." That being said, he got lost in the contemplation of my former shoes and I started walking away, completely shaken by what had just happened to me.

Hayley's POV

"You ok, Hayley?" my sister asked. Oh man, did it really show that much how un-ok I was?

"Yeah. I'm fine." I smiled as warmly as possible. I turned back to my homework without another word. I had lots of homework now since it was the only kind of work I still had. I saw Erica leave the room from the corner of my eye and sighed.

Crap. How would I get through my life knowing I had thrown away the best relationship I'd ever had? I could almost see myself at thirty-five years old, married with some random guy, telling my children about that perfect man I had once dated for about two months in my youth, before I let something stupid take him away. Telling then not to make my mistake, to hold on to something like that forever, to grip it like your life depended on it, because it wouldn't happen twice.

Wow, I was making myself feel even worse. You go, Hayley! Ugh. Somebody just slap me. I hid my face between my hands, not feeling very lively right then.

A small noise suddenly pulled me out of my lethargy and my head snapped up. Had I just imagined that? I was about to leave it at that when the noise came back. Yep, I had really heard it this time. I sounded like something small and hard hitting… my window? Huh?

Confused but amused, I looked out my window just as the noise came back. HOLLY… I had definitely seen it! It looked like a huge fly, but… why would a fly come hitting its head on my window repetitively?

And then I looked outside, and I almost passed out. It wasn't a huge fly. It was him, throwing stupid little pebbles at me.

Josh fricking Ramsay.

When I could finally breathe again, I opened my window and yelled, "Woah, woah! Cease fire!"

He smiled the most beautiful smile in the universe. "Hi, Hayles!"

I returned his smile, feeling my eyes prickle with tears. "How did you know this was my room?"

He pointed to something next to me. "There's a huge Ramones poster on your window…"

Oh. Haha. Obviously.

I still couldn't believe he was really there. I wanted to run at him, to touch him, to squeeze him and make sure he was real. I wanted to jump out my window and into his arms.

I wasn't crazy though, so I kept from doing that.

"So, are you gonna sing me a serenade, Romeo?" I asked, puckering my lips.

He laughed and thought about that for a second. "Well, I would if I had a guitar." Woah. Was he serious?

"Really?"

"Sure. Why so surprised, Juliet?"

I chuckled and leaned out of my window, taking a sexy pose. "I have a guitar, if you wanna try it…"

He beamed. "Really? Awesome! Uh… should I like, come in or something?"

"Nah, I'll come down!" I answered quickly. I wasn't sure how my mom would react if she saw him here. "And I'll bring the guitar." I left the window hastily, looking forward to the moment when I'd finally be in his arms again.

I couldn't contain my excitement. Was I dreaming? Nope. He was really back.

… And just when I'd lost all hope!


	21. Chapter 21

21

Josh's POV

This was so unreal. I could barely believe it was happening. Yet, I had deliberately run away, done everything I could to find this place and spent the twenty-dollar bill on a taxi to get here. So it wasn't some kind of God-given miracle. But it still felt like a slap in the face. A pleasant, thrilling slap in the face, the kind people like to receive—because obviously, people often like being hit in the face. Duh.

Hayley came running through the backdoor carrying a guitar her size. Her bright smile seemed to light up the whole world, and she was so beautiful and perfect that I had trouble believing she was rushing like that toward ME, that ugly freak nobody ever notices. I actually had to keep from checking behind me to make sure there wasn't someone else there that she was actually running at.

She stopped about five feet away from me, as if she wasn't sure if she could go any further. We both stared at each other for a second until she finally put the guitar down on the grass and threw her arms around my neck. I hugged her back tightly, scared that if I let her go she might disappear again. She was there. Now. Finally.

I felt as if my heart had stopped when she'd left and now it was working again. Not only that, but also as if my whole body had stopped working, like I'd been dead and now I was alive again. It was a wake-up call, and I finally saw what I had become without Hayley there to support me. I had become a self-loathing ghost. I had lost contact with everyone and everything, I had broken any relationship I'd had. Purging and cutting, I wasn't even doing it for the fun of it anymore; I was doing it out of habit. I was doing it because I had always done it, and I didn't even care anymore. I didn't think anymore. I was dead.

Before two seconds ago, that is. Before Hayley had come back into my life with her slap in the face to awake me, and it had all crashed upon me like a bunch of bricks.

Fuck. I needed to stop. I needed to wake up. Now.

"Oh, Josh…" Hayley whispered, oblivious to the unsettling thoughts running through my mind. She didn't have to say more. I knew she felt exactly like I did—minus the self-harm part—and I was surprised to feel a huge sense of relief. I realised that I had actually been scared she'd forgotten me. But that was stupid. Of course she hadn't.

She finally pulled away from me just enough to study my face, and I noticed her eyes were filled with tears yet again. Ah, girls. So emotional.

"You look like you're gonna cry," she told me then, her smile widening with amusement. Wait, what? Me? Crying? Psh, nonsense.

"Yeah, right. Like I would—" And then I felt a stupid tear slide down my cheek and I didn't dare take my hands off Hayley to wipe it off. "Aw, man."

She chuckled and kissed my cheek right where the tear was, before moving on to my lips, and the roller coaster was off.

I don't know for how long we were caught in that kiss, but I know it wasn't long enough. Unfortunately, curiosity forced Hayley to pull away and ask, "How did you find me?" So I told her about the homeless guy and how he helped me figure out her address and she laughed. "Wow, Josh. Really? The Yellow Pages?" I pursed my lips and nodded shamefully, causing her to laugh again. Then, she finally looked down and a frown covered her face. "And where are your shoes…?"

This time, it was my turn to laugh. "Well, the journey to your house was so long that I got really hungry and ate them." She choked back laughter and crossed her arms, trying to look serious. She wanted the truth. But her reactions were so hilarious I just kept on going. "What? They taste good after a while, with a bit of ketchup."

She groaned and shoved me. "Shut up!" I shoved her back and she fell on the soft grass. Oops.

"Oh my God, are you ok!?" I asked, bending over her. Immediately, she grabbed my legs and pulled them off the ground and I fell next to her with a bang. "Ouch! Come on, Hayles!"

"You started it!" she squealed. She tried to get up but she was laughing so hard she didn't have the strength to do it anymore. Finally, she gave up and let herself fall back down like a rag doll, staring at the sky.

I crawled to her side and her eyes flickered to me. Her smile was gone. "You've been doing it again, haven't you?" she asked solemnly.

It took me a second to figure out what she was talking about. I felt very ashamed then, like a student who hasn't done the most important homework and now has to explain why to the teacher—except worse, because not doing homework wasn't my main issue right then and this wasn't a teacher I could lie to. What would she think of me now? "How can you tell?" I asked, afraid of saying anything else.

She sighed. "Well, it's kinda obvious Josh. You're so thin and frail and you look like you haven't slept in days…" Thin? Me? Oh, yeah. I forgot I was supposed to pretend that was true. Too bad I had forgotten how. She looked down at my stomach. I knew she could tell what was under all those clothes, and I felt guilty and sick at the thought of her hurting over it. She didn't say anything though and she kept a straight face.

She forced a smile and sat up. I sat up too, but without the smile. "Well, nevermind that," she said lightly—or more like in an attempt to make it sound light. "Are you gonna play that thing or not?" She pointed the guitar.

"Here!?" I faked shock, glad that she'd changed the subject.

"Why not!?" She mimicked my tone of voice.

I grinned. "Because we're in the middle of your backyard! If you want me to sing you a serenade we have to go somewhere… romantic and…" I was out of ideas. I didn't even know why I was wasting time like that. Maybe because I was trying to put off the moment when I'd finally have to leave again.

Actually, you know what? I was never fucking leaving.

"Ok," Hayley said then. "I'll take you somewhere romantic."

I raised my eyebrows. "I wasn't expecting you to actually DO it."

She chuckled. "I know… Come on!" She pulled almost violently on my arm and forced me to my feet. She grabbed the enormous—compared to her size—guitar with her other hand and somehow managed to pull both the guitar and me out the gate and through the empty street of that isolated corner of the city. Where she was taking us, I had no idea.

Hayley's POV

I had never showed anyone but Erica my little corner of heaven. It was a little dent between two huge volcanic rocks like the hundreds surrounding my neighborhood. I had stumbled upon it a long time ago, when I was just a little girl. It had been my personal little hideout since.

Big enough for two people at the most, it kind of felt like a secret nest, where I could hide whenever I wanted. But the best part was the view. The back of the hole was just a rocky wall, but the front was open to a wide panoramic view of the leafless trees stretching into the endless evening sky. I loved living in a far corner of town, I felt so much closer to nature.

Josh followed me into the gap, already mesmerized by the view. The sun was brushing the horizon now, still impossibly bright but giving the sky an orange-y tint.

"Holy shit…" he muttered.

"Incredible, isn't it?"

He nodded, unable to take his eyes off the beautiful scenery. The light made them look bluer than usually, and pretty soon I was staring at him just like he was staring at the sun. He finally looked at me and smiled warmly. I could've melted right then and there.

We sat down in the narrow space, leaning against the rocky walls and gazing into the sunset. It was probably the most perfect moment of my life. Josh picked up the guitar and strummed it lightly. He grimaced like it was the most horrible thing he'd ever heard in his life and I snickered. It sounded just fine to me.

"Did you ever tune this thing? Like, once?"

I shrugged. "It was my dad's. But he left a really long time ago, and nobody's tuned it since. Actually, nobody's really touched it but me, and only once in a while."

"Well, it shows." He then undertook the action of tuning it like he'd done it for a lifetime, listening for differences in the sounds that I was incapable of hearing. He laughed in front of my bewildered expression. "It'll come," he said encouragingly.

"Josh, you never told me what happened to your shoes," I pointed out as he was strumming the guitar again and nodding in approval.

"Huh? Oh yeah, that. Well, I…" I eyed him meaningfully. THE TRUTH, Josh. "… I gave them to the homeless guy who helped me find your address."

I gasped. "Awww… Joshie, that's so sweet of you…"

He looked annoyed. "Yeah, yeah, whatever."

"No, really, it is!"

"I know!" he snapped. A second passed, and his annoyed expression was suddenly replaced by a peaceful smile. "I know," he repeated softly, gazing into nothing. He was finally believing it.

"Well, I think you're ready for that serenade now, right?"

He scoffed. "Not at all! I have to warm up first!"

I frowned as he started pulling on his fingers and rotating his wrists with an exaggerated calm, taking deep breaths like some kind of yoga master.

"Oh, stop it, will you?!" I shoved his shoulder playfully—but hard enough for him to get the message.

He chuckled and gave up. "Ok, ok. What do you want me to play?"

"I don't know! Whatever you can." What a weird question.

"Well, I can play a bunch of stuff, but if you want I can try and figure out the chords to something new."

I stared at him in bewilderment. "Really? Now?"

He shrugged. "Sure. Why not?"

Woah, pro much? "It's just that… I didn't think that you were THAT good."

He scoffed. "Well ya know, there are lots of things you don't know about me…"

I laughed and thought about what song I wanted to hear right then. "Can you play Man of the Hour?" I loved that song. It was so peaceful and beautiful and fit perfectly with the mind-blowing scenery.

"Oh, phew!" Josh sighed in relief. "I already know that one, haha."

Well, that was a lucky shot. "Aw, I wanted to see you struggle to figure it out…" I faked disappointment as he tried to remember the song, a wide smile plastered on his face

"No, you didn't," he denied absently. "… Alright, I think I got it. You seriously picked the toughest one out there."

"Ha, well that's what happens when you let girls choose for you…"

He chuckled. "True, true…"

And then he started playing for real.

Oh my God. It was so beautiful it literally took my breath away, and I had to remind myself to breathe. The soft melody echoed through the frisky air, filling up the silence and replacing it with something that was somehow even more peaceful. No other sounds disturbed the magic, and even the wind seemed to slow down then.

"Tidal waves don't beg forgiveness, crashed and on their way," Josh sang, his perfect voice melting into the melody, louder but still soft, somehow. "Father he enjoyed collisions; others walked away."

I looked back at the setting sun. It was almost gone now, only a thin red layer still floating above the horizon.

"And the doors are open now as the bells are ringing out, 'cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow…" It struck me how much I could relate to that song in that moment. And it didn't make me happy. But it made me think.

Josh smiled at me. "You like?" he asked without stopping.

I nodded. "Can I sing the next verse?"

He beamed. "Sure! Hang on a sec." He finished playing the last notes of the instrumental part and nodded at me.

"Nature has its own religion, gospel from the land…" I loved singing this song. No, I loved singing this song with Josh. "Father ruled by long division, young men they pretend; old men comprehend… And the sky breaks at dawn, shedding light upon this town."

Almost as if to contradict me, the last rays of light disappeared then, the sky turning a dark purple. Was this it? Was our time together finally coming to an end, just like the day washing away carelessly? Was there really nothing we could do, just like there was nothing we could do about the natural alternation between day and night, between light and darkness?

"They all will come 'round…"

Josh decided to join in for the next phrase.

"'Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow…" Our voices forged into one as they fled towards the sky. They were free to go wherever they wanted, without being commanded, without being pushed around…

I stared into Josh's eyes and he did the same. The next words sounded too real, too painful. But somehow, as it always was when Josh was there to comfort me, I couldn't feel sad.

"Goodbye for now…"


	22. Chapter 22

22

Hayley's POV

I opened my eyes slowly, blinded by a bright light. When they finally focused, all I saw was a lot of blue. The sky.

The air was chilly, but I wasn't cold. That's when I noticed I was leaning against Josh, and his arms were around me protectively. Oh, and we were outside. In my little hole. And it was the morning.

Oh crap.

I pushed myself up but Josh held on to me. He opened his eyes sleepily and stared at me in confusion for a second. Then, it all came back to him and he smiled, tightening his grip around me.

"Morning Hayles," he said happily.

"Josh…" I was so worried. Everyone must have been looking for us. We had to go back…

"You know, it would be nice if we could just lie here forever, don't you think?"

Yes, of course, but we couldn't! He had to focus! "Josh. Let go of me. Josh!"

He snapped out of it then and let his arms slide off me. "What? Why?"

I pushed myself up and made it to my feet—not without great efforts—before looking down at the still-sleepy Josh, trying not to let his perfectness soften me. "Because we have to go back!" I answered angrily. "I mean, think about it! Everyone must be so worried about us! Everyone…" I tried to make sense of the scrambled thoughts running through my panicked mind. "We weren't supposed to fall asleep over here! We were supposed to go back home…"

"But it was nice, wasn't it?" He smiled, still refusing to feel any kind of worry. "I haven't slept so well in weeks. Even this big rock felt more comfortable than my stupid bed." He laughed. "Come on, Hayles… Cheer up!"

I managed to smile a little. It HAD been nice… I remembered how I'd cuddled into him last night, feeling so happy and safe… totally careless. I had fallen asleep so quickly it was a miracle, and I hadn't thought one second about what would happen the next day. I had hoped, wished and imagined that that moment would never end.

But it did. And now we were in big trouble.

Josh finally decided to get up. He passed his hand through his hair thoughtfully. "Let's never go back," he proposed suddenly. I gave him a look filled with amusement and disapproval. "No, really! Let's just run away. Just you and me. They'll never find us…"

"Josh, Josh, woah!" I waved my hands in front of me frantically in an attempt to make him shut up. "What the hell are you talking about? This isn't Romeo and Juliet! This is real life!"

"But it's a whole lot like Romeo and Juliet…"

I scoffed. "Listen, I can't just leave. I have to go back home. Now." That being said, I climbed out of the hole and started walking away slowly. Josh caught up with me and pulled me back.

"Where are you going? Come on, you didn't even say goodbye!"

I sighed. "Look, this isn't the last time we see each other, ok?" I wanted to believe it. I really, really did. "I mean, we can hang out on weekends and stuff, and when school's over we'll have so much time…" Ok, so it was a sucky plan, but it was better than nothing, and for the first time it actually sounded like a plan. It might actually work.

But Josh didn't look so excited. He avoided my gaze, staring miserably at the ground. "Hayles… There's something I need to tell you." I raised my eyebrows. That didn't sound good. "My dad decided we're moving back to Vancouver," he blurted out so fast I barely understood.

And then his words finally made sense, and I felt like a brick had fallen on my head. "You… you're leaving?" I couldn't believe it. It couldn't be true. After all we'd been through, when I'd finally found some real hope… THIS.

"I'm sorry," he whispered almost inaudibly. "I should've told you earlier."

I gasped. "You knew… before?" He nodded. "And you didn't tell me!? But Josh…" I didn't know what to say. I didn't feel like getting angry right then. I was too broken down to feel anything else. "When?" I asked instead.

"Not sure. But my dad's already made the phone calls and the boxes are starting to pile up in the basement." He sighed heavily. "Soon."

No. No, no, no. I was sick of this. I was so sick of always being hurt, of letting this one guy ruin my whole life. If he was leaving, let him leave! I didn't care anymore. I knew that if I started caring it would hurt too much.

I decided I didn't want to see him again. Ever.

He tried to pull me in a hug but I pushed him away brutally. "Goodbye, Josh. Have a nice life," I said coldly, trying my best to keep my voice from breaking. I pushed my way past him like I had the first time I'd left, and he let me go just like he had then.

But this time, when I shot him one last glance, he wasn't looking back.

Josh's POV

She vanished like a snowflake hitting the ground in late-October. One second it's there, and the next it's gone, and you're left wondering if it really existed. Was it just a mirage?

I was afraid to look behind me, afraid that if I saw her walking away I wouldn't be able to fight the urge to run to her again, and it would only make things worse.

I knew why she had left so quickly. She wanted to run away from the pain, to escape from her own feelings. I knew because I felt the same.

I waited a long while before finally turning around. I waited longer than she needed to get back to her house, much longer. I didn't want to take any chances.

Then, I walked on her steps until I reached a fork, and I continued walking indefinitely, without paying attention to where I was or where I was going. I didn't care anymore. I didn't want to think.

I don't know for how long I walked, but by the time I finally decided to look around me I realised I was completely lost. More lost than I had been when I'd left the school to find Hayley. Ouch. Just the thought of her made my stomach twist in painful ways. But maybe that was just the hunger. Shit, I hadn't eaten a real meal in days.

Somewhere in front of me there was a large and busy street. The one I was on was pretty busy too, especially the sidewalks. A lot of people passed me by, and I hadn't even noticed them. A woman gripping a little girl's hand shot me a menacing look before passing me, avoiding me by at least three metres. She'd rather walk in the middle of the street and get hit by a car than touch me. Sweet.

I continued walking until I reached the wide avenue. The cars flew by and people bumped into me without even seeming to notice. I felt dizzy from all the noise and motion. For a second I felt like covering my ears with my hands and yelling like a crazy person, but then I didn't want to attract any attention to myself.

A huge noisy truck was coming up quickly from my left. Wouldn't it be nice if I stepped in front of it at the last second? All my problems would be solved. Just like that. Whoosh. Everybody would think it was an accident. I wouldn't be remembered as the freak who killed himself, but as that poor guy who died in a car accident, just like thousands of other people.

But the seriousness with which I considered this suddenly scared me, and I looked away in order to keep from actually doing something I might regret. After all, if I failed and survived, just like I had the first time… I shuddered at the thought. I decided to push it away and just keep walking forward without thinking, just focusing on my own breathing and nothing else.

I walked like that until the crowd starting thinning and the sky got darker. It was getting cold and I started to worry. Where would I go now? How would I find my way back home?

Did I even want to go home?

"You alright, son?" somebody asked then. I almost hoped it was that homeless guy again, but the tone of voice wasn't at all the same. It was a cop who had asked that. He stared at me with a ridiculously superior expression.

"Yeah, I'm fine…"

"You sure? You look kinda lost. What's your name?"

Sheesh, how annoying. Did I really look that much like a drug dealer? I finally decided it was better to tell him or I might end up in a Juvenile Hall. "Joshua Ramsay."

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. What? It's not like I said my name was Freddie Mercury. "Did you say 'Joshua Ramsay'?"

I actually considered saying something stupid like, "No, I said 'Where's the washroom?'" but I stopped myself at the last moment. "Er.. yeah," I muttered, trying not to smile.

"Huh." He took out his walkie-talkie then, and I finally understood. "Hey Frank? It's Dan. Think I found that lost kid."

Shit. Would it be weird if I made a run for it?

The guy on the other side—Frank, I guessed—chuckled and said, "I told you so."

"Maybe I'll get a raise," replied Dan, laughing like an idiot. Well, it wouldn't be hard to escape if this retard was the one chasing me.

But in the end, I realised it would be useless. I didn't want to run. I didn't want to hide. Let them take me.

Fuck everything.


	23. Epilogue

Epilogue

Josh's POV

We had the privilege of taking the plane while our things were being carried by a bunch of huge trucks. So, no fifteen-hour drive. Yay.

I watched as the huge and confusing country passed underneath us, slowly and carelessly. I felt like every little kilometre we crossed was another stab in the gut. I forced myself not to make up crazy stories in which Hayley and I would be reunited somehow—like the one where she had snuck up to my house the previous night and zipped herself inside my luggage and she would pop out of if happily once we reached our destination—but I couldn't help it. I wanted to hope. I was the only thing that could keep me sane.

Then again, it didn't really matter whether I was sane or not anymore.

We moved back into our old house, but it felt so different now. I didn't feel like I was going back to the place where I'd spent my whole childhood. I felt like I was going somewhere new all over again. But I was too tired, too worn out to care.

I didn't care that I couldn't recognize my own home anymore. I didn't care that I had to go back to that stupid secondary school where everyone knew who I was—you know, that fat creep people usually try to avoid. All I knew was that I had to hold on. To life. To anything. Just a little more.

Why? I didn't know. But something told me there was still something to live for. Some stupid little reason at the back of my mind that I had forgotten over time but that was now the main reason for my existence.

It took me a while before I finally figured out what it was. And then, on the first day in my new/old school, I remembered.

"Josh!"

I jumped, looking around me frantically for whoever might have said that. I almost let it go, telling myself that it must've been some other Josh, but then I saw him. There he was, with his weird smile and his dumb haircut, staring at me like I was the eighth wonder of the world. "You're back, man!"

Wow, you don't say. "Hey, Matt," I said as nicely as I could.

He still seemed stunned to see me. "What are you doing here?"

"My parents disowned me and I live with our old neighbours now." He gawked. I laughed in front of his confused expression. "I'm just kidding man! My dad decided to move back, that's all."

"Oh." Well, his sense of humour hadn't changed. What I mean is, he still didn't have one. "Well that's great!" Yep. Awesome. The smile that had grown on his face vanished again. "What's wrong?"

Should I tell him? I didn't really want to talk about her anymore. I didn't want to think about her. I wanted to forget her, pretend she didn't exist. "I dunno, I guess I just got used to that place…"

"Yeah, it must suck to be thrown around like that." Oh yeah. "Well, you wanna know what I've been doing?" he asked eagerly.

Anything to get my mind off her. "Sure."

"I got a girlfriend!"

I raised my eyebrows. "You? A girlfriend?" I scoffed. "Wow, I really DID fall into another dimension."

He frowned. "That was a joke, I don't have a girlfriend." Oh.

Haha.

What?

"Well, um…" Awkward. "Ok."

He stared at me for a second, and then he burst out laughing and I couldn't help but do the same. Yep, same old Matt.

Wow, THIS was the reason for my existence? That thought made me laugh even harder, and for the first time in a long time, I actually felt good.

Huh. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

Hayley's POV

I felt bad for leaving Josh like that. Really, really bad. I should've said a proper goodbye. I should have kissed him one last time. Ugh.

But now he was gone, and I was better off just forgetting him. It was so hard, but at least I had some moral support from Erica and my mom. They both told me stuff like "There's plenty of fish in the sea" or "You're pretty enough to get any guy you want"—ok, that one was really cute, especially coming from Erica—but I didn't feel so much better. It was so much harder than the first time I'd left him, because now I had no hope. None at all. I would never see him again. It was a fact.

Time still passed though, and as it did I started feeling a bit better. The months flew by and with each second Josh slowly left my mind. As for my heart, I didn't know if I still had one.

I finished the year with a higher grade than I ever had. It was enough to make me happy for the whole summer. I saw my old friends—Jack and a few girlfriends—and life just continued. Until finally, I realised it wasn't so hard anymore. The pain had eased. I was ok.

I did have a heart after all.

By then I found it funny how much pain a stupid little teenage relationship had caused me. Oh well, that's how youth is. At least that's what my mom said.

But now I was ready to start over. I was ready to try again, and maybe this time it would end better. Maybe this time I would spend more time laughing and less time hurting. Besides, I was an experienced girl now, haha. Ok, not THAT experienced, but it was better than nothing.

Oh yeah, I was ready to start from scratch. To forget Josh Ramsay once and for all.

So when Jack took my hand for the first time, I didn't pull away.


End file.
